What is it about social media that causes people to lack kindness and act so aggressively? I have many thoughts on this topic, so let’s dive in…
I’m a geriatric millennial. That means I grew up when we touched grass: running amuck outdoors, playing catch at playgrounds, and “camping” under the stars at the beach. Social media only sprouted in the early 2000s, starting with Friendster (remember that?) before Facebook, Instagram, and TikTok dominated the scene. Nowadays, almost everyone has at least one account on these platforms.
Back then, social media was mainly used to connect and communicate with familiar faces and post photos. Today, It’s a different beast. Users get the latest news, discover hidden gems to visit, get travel recommendations, and more. While that’s good, something else has also reared its ugly head: the lack of kindness on social media.
Before you point your pitchforks at me, let me just say I’m in the same boat. I laugh at all the memes and share them with my friends; I also scroll through the comments and snark on the nasty ones. I’m no innocent bystander. Now, this got me thinking – if we’re taught to be kind in real life, why do we lose all sense of that when we’re online?
The lion, the witch, the audacity of this b-tch
I’ve lost count of the times people have called me mean, no thanks to my “out of pocket” remarks. But here’s the thing: I flagrantly do it to their faces. So, I don’t understand why people dare to be vicious online but are goody-two-shoes in real life. Is it because you’re a “nobody” on the internet; just another account on social media, dishing out what everyone only dares to keep in their minds? What is it about cyberspace that encourages people to behave negatively or aggressively?
“Making mean or disparaging comments in real life actually takes guts,” says Michelle Tay, Director of Programmes and Operations at Singapore Kindness Movement. “It’s hard to be mean to someone’s face; it’s easier to rant about it on social media, where one can feel ‘heard’.” Because of anonymity, these folks can somewhat remain untraced and never have to fear retribution.
According to Joanne Wong, Head of Touch Cyber Wellness at Touch Community Services, anonymity on social media acts like a shield. “The ‘online disinhibition effect’ can cause people to feel detached from others, making them less careful with their speech than they would in real life. Plus, the lack of immediate feedback, such as negative responses or anger, reduces the perceived impact of their words,” she adds.
I also reached out to Fariza, a marketer in her 30s who also produces content on her TikTok account. “I think people behave that way because they want to elicit a response; it’s thrilling to see people outraged by their words. They’re bored and want attention, and they can pretend to be someone else.” Keyboard warriors – that’s the term to describe this group.
You say it best when you say nothing at all
Imagine you’re the target of these brutal, no-holds-barred comments. Everything about you is scrutinised and read to filth. Your looks, the way you dress, your family members… nothing is safe. How would you feel? The absence of nonverbal cues like facial expressions, body language, and tone of voice can lead to misunderstandings about how online interactions are perceived.
Do you remember the Dua Lipa memes floating on the internet? “I love her lack of energy, go girl give us nothing!” These infamous words have followed the singer since her performance at the 2018 Brit Awards. Even though Dua joked about it during her recent Saturday Night Live appearance, she admitted in an interview with the Guardian that she felt hurt and humiliated. “I had to take myself off Twitter.” It was almost two years later when she finally took to the stage and made critics eat their words.
Why you gotta be so vicious, anonymous trolls?
Since anonymity seems to be the predominant factor in why people don’t exercise kindness on social media, would it be better to eradicate this aspect entirely? Unfortunately, the solution isn’t that straightforward. Michelle says that even though anonymity bolsters negative acts and speech online, it can be a powerful tool for positive expression.
“It allows individuals to share dissenting views or express themselves freely, particularly on sensitive topics, without fear of social stigma or repercussions. This can be crucial for marginalised voices or those in restrictive environments.”
So, how do we deal with this and create safe spaces on the internet? Should real-name policies be implemented so that everyone will be on their best behaviour? Joanne disagrees. “Users are likely to think twice before posting hateful content or comments,” she says. “However, they may be hesitant to express themselves freely out of the fear of backlash. Real names could also be misused, and users may be harassed by others who don’t agree with them.”
Or should accounts turn off their comment section? In my mind, that’s the easiest way to settle things – but I know not every account would want to do that.
“Ultimately, it greatly depends on your own moral compass. No one is policing what you say behind an anonymous account. It’d be nice to believe that we all have a moral obligation to uphold some kind of decorum online, but that would also be naive,” Fariza sums up.
But why should the onus only fall on the users? How can social media networks play their part? Michelle believes the platforms can make information on data use more digestible. She highlights that most users don’t give a second thought to ticking that terms and conditions box when they download a new app or visit a new website (a show of hands if you’re guilty of this!). Making the information easy to read empowers people to control the use of their data.
Screen time ≠ “being mean to others” time
I’m fortunate enough not to experience any aggressive behaviour online. That’s only because my social media accounts are set to private. But Fariza’s account is public, a free-for-all where everyone can consume and comment without a second thought. I ask if she’s encountered negative comments. “Not often, but being a TikTok content creator was a culture shock. It’s pretty alarming what strangers can say behind anonymity,” she tells me.
When she first started her TikTok journey, Fariza would get extremely affected and even lose sleep over negative comments. “I’d mull over what to say and then imagine the response I’d get that got worse and worse. I realised I wasn’t managing my feelings properly.” Losing zzz’s over online chatter? I don’t know her. But if you’re going through this, take that as a sign that social media is affecting your mental health.
Joanna and Michelle strongly advise managing your screen time, being mindful of your scrolling, curating your feed, and choosing your interactions wisely. “Think before you speak!” Michelle exclaims. They also suggest finding a balance between online and offline activities. “Set boundaries around screen time, prioritise real-world activities, exercise, and sleep. Remember to take regular breaks from the digital world,” Joanne notes.
As for Fariza, she eventually learned to tune out the comments and even block the anonymous accounts because “they don’t deserve access to me or my content”. “If there’s an opportunity to make it a teachable moment, I may make a video,” she adds. She also appreciates those who speak up for her when she doesn’t have the energy or emotional capacity to deal with them.
Have courage and be kind
Everyone knows Rihanna: (semi-retired) pop sensation, cosmetics and fashion mogul. But only the real ones remember the superstar’s days of being on the internet and clapping back at haters, colleagues, and even fans. “Good luck booking that stage you speak of,” she directed to Ciara during their Twitter beef when Ciara dissed Rihanna’s personality. Ooh, don’t mess with this bee! But nowadays, Rihanna has mellowed down – “The troll in me, she had a time,” as she told Interview magazine – and reminded everyone that they “can’t take anything back from the internet”.
That’s the thing: anything posted online can take on a life of its own and live forever. Someone may know someone you know, and they can expose you for that potentially offensive comment you left on another person’s account. Or, when a screenshot of your deleted tweet resurfaces.
I’ve always thought the responsibility lies with the online “commentators” since they’re often the ones casting the stones first. While it’s easy to pin the blame on the instigators, those on the receiving end also play a role in perpetuating the cycle. Reacting impulsively to hurtful comments can escalate the situation, creating a vicious cycle of negativity.
So, what’s the best course of action for online meanness? Don’t do it, but that’s hypocritical of me to say because I’m a passive, complicit participant in all this. However, I truly feel that’s the prime option everyone should abide by. If you can’t stand it when people are mean to your face, why should you subject yourself and others to that online? Remember, you can be honest without being nasty.
We’re always talking about kindness – let’s practise what we preach on social media, too. Is this too idealistic? Perhaps, but I’m confident others will be inspired to follow in your footsteps once you start doing it. And remember: if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t speak it out. “The best troll is the silent troll,” Rihanna states in her interview. You say it best when you say nothing at all.
If all else fails, leave your devices behind and head outside to get some sun and touch the grass. Some Vitamin D will do you good.
