Why do men shy away from talking about sexual health? We get some clarity from a healthcare professional.
Men, let’s talk about sex. No shame, just real talk. Society throws a lot of expectations at men when it comes to the bedroom, and honestly, it can be a major buzzkill. But it’s time to shine the spotlight on sexual health for men. We discuss with Dr Taufiq, a resident doctor from Pulse Clinic who specialises in men’s health services and sexual health testing, to find out more about the pressures of sexual performance. Let’s dive into the challenges of erectile dysfunction, fluctuating libidos, why men are shy to talk about these things, and what we can do to overcome that.
Men and sexual health: Facing societal pressures
Sexual health is a crucial aspect of overall well-being, yet it often remains a taboo topic, even for men. Dr Taufiq highlights the top three common societal pressures men face: performance expectations, size and stamina, and virility and masculinity. He explains that these pressures often lead to anxiety and stress about meeting societal norms or expectations in bed. But let’s take a closer look into these “sexpectations” and see how much of it is taken out of context.
Media representation
The media contributes to setting unrealistic standards for men, portraying them as idealised hunks with chiselled abs and a large package to boot. This portrayal of men with superhuman stamina and endowment is widespread, creating a skewed perception of “normal” sexual performance.
The media often places a heavy emphasis on penis size, even though research shows it’s not the most important factor for female perception of sexual satisfaction. This can lead to feelings of insecurity in men who harbour concerns about their size. Constant exposure to unrealistic portrayals can also result in social comparison and feelings of inadequacy. It’s important to remember that this is entertainment, not real life.
Cultural norms
In many cultures, masculinity is often tied to sexual prowess, and men may feel the need to live up to these expectations to validate their manhood. Dr Taufiq highlights that cultural and regional differences play a significant role in how this pressure affects men.
“Some cultures may have more rigid expectations around masculinity and sexual performance, intensifying the pressure men feel,” he says. “Cultures with more open attitudes towards sexuality may experience less pronounced performance pressure. These differences influence men’s experiences by shaping their beliefs and attitudes towards sex, as well as their coping strategies.”
Peer pressure
Under peer pressure, men may feel like they have to conform to the sexual exploits of their friends. This can create a competitive atmosphere where sexual conquests become a measure of status and worth.
Dr Taufiq shares that it’s relatively common for men to inquire about Viagra or similar medications in hopes of enhancing their sexual performance, including concerns about size. However, it’s important to note that Viagra primarily addresses erectile dysfunction.
He adds, “I’ve encountered many male patients who have experienced performance pressure-related issues such as anxiety, depression, or low self-esteem. This is especially common in men below 40. I typically recommend a combination of therapy, education about sexual function, and, if necessary, medication. Cognitive-behavioural therapy can be effective in helping men address negative thought patterns and develop coping strategies for performance anxiety.”
Another example I’ve observed as a sex educator at Hedonist’s workshops is instances where women show interest in exploring adult toys, while their partners hang back or make “lighthearted jokes”, fearing it might disrupt their role in the bedroom. While not all men hold this view, it’s often rooted in societal expectations of male ego and masculinity, which may need to be unlearned to understand that pleasure toys can enhance rather than threaten intimacy.
Let’s not forget that personal experiences can also shape men’s perceptions of their sexual performance. Fear of judgment or rejection can lead to anxiety and performance pressure, creating a self-perpetuating cycle of stress and insecurity.
The challenges of erectile dysfunction
While there’s much to unpack regarding men’s sexual health, one of the most common issues Dr Taufiq encounters is erectile dysfunction. He explains that some men prefer to see him alone due to “feelings of embarrassment or shame surrounding their sexual health concerns.”
“I recall an encounter where a man didn’t want to come with his partner because he felt ashamed of his erectile dysfunction and didn’t want his partner to witness his vulnerability. In such cases, it’s important to create a supportive and non-judgmental environment where men feel comfortable discussing their concerns openly,” he says.
While it can affect younger men, research suggests that approximately 40% of men experience erectile dysfunction by age 40, jumping to nearly 70% by age 70. Experiencing the occasional difficulty achieving or maintaining an erection is normal and doesn’t necessarily indicate a serious underlying problem.
Libidos for men
The truth is that maintaining a vibrant libido is about more than biology. Sex drive can vary due to biological, psychological, and social factors. Age, stress and mental health can play a role. Poor diet, lack of exercise, and hormonal imbalances can also impact libido levels.
To nurture and maintain a healthy libido, Dr Taufiq suggests prioritising self-care practices such as regular exercise, a balanced diet rich in nutrients, and stress management techniques like meditation or yoga. Don’t forget the magic of quality sleep! Certain natural supplements and herbs like maca root, ginseng, and ashwagandha have also been shown to support libido and sexual function.
Of course, there are success stories of men overcoming performance-related challenges with guidance. Dr Taufiq recalls a client who struggled with severe performance anxiety, which impacted his ability to maintain an erection during sexual activity. Through medication, therapy and relaxation techniques, he regained confidence and enjoyed a fulfilling sex life.
For men experiencing persistent or significant changes in libido, seeking medical consultation is advisable as there might be a dip in testosterone levels (one of the key hormones attributed to sex drive).
Redefining “success” in the bedroom
The idea around sexual success often centres on ticking specific boxes like marathon-worthy stamina, prolonged erections or multiple orgasms. However, true intimacy transcends these narrow definitions; it’s rooted in connection, pleasure, and mutual satisfaction.
By reframing their perspective on sexual performance, men can alleviate the pressure to meet unrealistic standards and focus on fostering deeper emotional connections with their partners. Couples who prioritise emotional intimacy and communication typically report higher levels of sexual satisfaction and relationship happiness.
One tip that Dr Taufiq recommends is to reframe the perspective on sexual success. “Prioritise pleasure and connection over performance-oriented goals. This means taking time to explore each other’s desires and preferences, focusing on the quality of intimacy rather than the quantity of sexual encounters for a more fulfilling outcome for both partners.”
“Creating a supportive atmosphere for sexual intimacy hinges on effective communication. Men should feel comfortable expressing their desires, needs, and worries with their partner without feeling judged or embarrassed,” he adds.
Another way to deepen the emotional connection is to have more shared experiences, shake up routines, and make each other feel valued and appreciated. This can involve trying new activities together, scheduling more date nights, practising gratitude, kissing more often, or even spicing things up by introducing a pleasure toy in the bedroom.
The silence surrounding sexual health
People think that admitting to sexual health challenges implies weakness or inadequacy. So how do we start an open conversation? Perhaps couples’ workshops that provide a supportive space for men and women to have meaningful chats about breaking down misconceptions may be part of the answer.
A male participant from Hedonist’s Better Sex Beyond the Bedroom workshop shared his perspective on men’s pressure to perform in society: “Even as I got older, the pressure to perform sexually only intensified. Whether it was through subtle remarks from friends or societal norms portrayed in the media, the message was always clear: a real man should always be ready and able to satisfy their partner.”
“This pressure took a toll on my confidence and self-esteem. There were times when I doubted my abilities and felt like I was failing as a man because I couldn’t meet these unrealistic expectations. It wasn’t until I learned to challenge these toxic beliefs that I was able to truly embrace my sexuality without fear or shame,” he shares.
Say it louder for the people at the back: reaching out for support isn’t a sign of weakness – it’s a testament to your strength. Men, you’re not alone in this journey; there are healthcare professionals ready to offer guidance and assistance too.
When it comes to intimacy, there’s no universal solution. Everyone is different, and what works for you may not work for someone else. By embracing this diversity and honouring the complexities of human sexuality, we hope men can foster deeper satisfaction and fulfilment in their relationships.
