It seems women are leading the charge when it comes to talking openly about mental health. Where are the gentlemen?
I used to think I had the answers to everything. Want to lose weight and feel great? Try intermittent fasting and hit the gym, which has worked wonders for me. Suffering from random acne breakouts? Hydrate, hydrate, hydrate. Oh, and pimple patches – they’re such nifty little lifesavers. No problem is unsolvable for me… at least, that’s what I thought.
But now I know that life doesn’t always go my way. I didn’t realise my mental health could take a toll on my well-being until two separate incidents. The first episode occurred during my previous employment, where I became severely burned out (that’s a story for another time). The next one happened during the pandemic. My mental health went through the wringer, and it felt like hell on Earth. I’m positive everyone had a similar experience during that period. That whole sh*tshow made me sit down and reflect: am I not as mentally strong as I thought myself to be?
Since Covid-19’s reign of terror, mental health has taken centre stage in today’s conversations. Go online and you’ll find plenty of articles about the topic, from the educational to the controversial. Qualified practitioners share their findings and recommendations on podcasts and panel discussions, while social media is inundated with mental health accounts and posts about burning out, depression, and other afflictions. This is great, but I noticed it’s largely the women leading this initiative. Men, why aren’t we speaking up more about mental health?
“A true man bleeds but doesn’t cry”
It’s fair to assume most men aren’t open about discussing their mental health issues. For many generations, we’re taught to “hold it together” because males are supposed to be emotionally resilient. My father is like this; whether he realised it or not, he passed down the same mindset to me. My emotional walls are so high they rival China’s Great Wall. For a long time, I struggled to be vulnerable to my loved ones for fear of being seen as weak. Openly talking about my mental health to a stranger? That was never on my bingo card.
Dr Adrian Toh, a clinical psychologist and president of the Singapore Psychological Society, says, “There’s a Chinese saying that translates to, ‘A true man bleeds but does not cry.’ This expression emphasises the traditional values of masculinity, suggesting that a real man should be tough and resilient, enduring pain and hardship without showing emotional weakness through tears.”
“Men generally prefer to deal with their problems independently and are often more hesitant to seek help from non-formal sources such as family and friends. They’re also not as expressive: many are uncomfortable verbalising emotional and mental health problems,” Dr Mythily Subramaniam, assistant chairman of the medical board (research) at the Institute of Mental Health, reasons.
Well, men, if we’re not talking about our mental health to anyone, how are we handling it? If I’m being honest… it’s not looking good. Miranda Ledesma, a psychotherapist and trauma therapist, reckons the state of men’s mental health in Singapore is in decline, noting the alarming increase in deaths caused by suicide among males. In 2018 alone, for every 10 suicides in Singapore, at least seven were men. “Each age and stage of life comes with its own stressors,” she says.
It’s obvious the old-fashioned “holding it together” mindset is no longer sustainable. So how do we challenge this notion and learn to heal when men still face significant stigma, barriers, and misconceptions about seeking help?
The rest is silence
Someone once said, “With age comes wisdom.” When I was younger, I’d compartmentalise my emotions – the scarier or more vulnerable they were, the deeper I hid them within me. However, the mound under the rug grew too noticeable over time for me to keep sweeping everything underneath it. I thought I was being smart; instead, I realised I was stunting myself emotionally by not talking about anything. It eventually came to a head when I had one too many arguments with my former partner, and my suppressed feelings erupted like the volcanoes in Iceland.
Throughout 2020 and beyond, I resolved to seek professional help so that I could unravel and detangle my internal mess; until now, it’s all just lip service. I’ve yet to set an appointment and go for counselling. I often think I’m on top of everything and can handle it myself; deep down, I know I’m delaying the inevitable.
Am I worried about the prejudice associated with going to therapy? Not really, though I understand if other men have those concerns. “Cultural stigma remains a major barrier. Many men worry about what others might think and how seeking help could impact their careers. This internalised stigma delays treatment,” Dr Toh explains.
Miranda adds, “Therapy can be expensive, and even though many have access to insurance or employee assistance programmes, some express concerns about confidentiality.”
There’s also scepticism surrounding psychotherapy or counselling sessions: how do they look and feel, and are they even effective? Despite frequent depictions in media, certainty remains elusive. That’s why many men hold back from going to therapy, fearing it won’t help or they’ll feel uncomfortable.
Better late than never
Women may be front and centre in the mental health sphere today, but that doesn’t mean men are lagging. In fact, more of us are speaking up and breaking the silence that’s typically associated with masculinity. Influential figures like Tom Holland, Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, and even Prince Harry have shared their stories, helping to dismantle the stigma and encouraging others to seek help.
In Singapore, well-known local male personalities such as Adrian Pang, Benjamin Kheng, and Leon Markcus have opened up about their struggles. There’s also Ron Yap of @mentalhealthceo, an Instagram account sharing mental health content that took off during the pandemic. Support groups and communities such as The Brothers Circle and Singapore Male Allyship Network provide a much-needed platform for men to share their experiences and seek support too.
“I believe community is key for improved mental health. For more positive and inclusive communities for men to thrive in Singapore, they must feel safe. Trust, confidentiality, and respect must be present,” Miranda says.
All these efforts are greatly appreciated, but admittedly, I don’t discuss my mental health enough with my friends. So, we still have some ways to go in normalising these conversations.
“Campaigns should [continue highlighting] stories of men who seek help for mental health issues, framing it as a courageous and proactive step,” Dr Toh notes. Meanwhile, Dr Mythily suggests having more representation of men recovering after a mental illness episode. “It’ll be good to have more people talk about their path to recovery.”
I’m a work in progress
Therapy? I never knew her. But post-pandemic, I’ve been thinking a lot more about it. So what’s holding me back? It’s not that I’m afraid to be vulnerable – I’d like to think I’ve done some work on that aspect and gotten to a point where I’m comfortable with it. Truthfully, it’s more about hauling my butt off, finding a suitable therapist, and starting to attend sessions.
Miranda knows what I’m talking about. “Finding [a therapist] who’s a good fit can feel intimidating. Some offer a brief call to potential clients as a first step before beginning sessions. This is to see if it’d be a good fit. Not all professionals offer this, but it doesn’t hurt to ask,” she advises.
Eventually, I’ll get myself into therapy – it’s only a matter of when. In the meantime, I’ll continue learning about mental health struggles and recognise that it’s okay to feel the way I do. Seeking help is not a sign of weakness but a strength that should be championed among men.
“Educating yourself about mental health can help you better understand what you might be experiencing. This knowledge can empower you to take proactive steps towards managing your mental health,” Dr Toh tells me.
The journey toward better mental health is ongoing, but every conversation, shared story, and step toward seeking help is a victory. By embracing vulnerability and seeking support, we can pave the way for a future where discussing mental health is as normal as talking about physical health. So let’s continue to break the silence, challenge the stigma, and show others that true strength lies in our ability to heal and grow.
