Friends for a reason, friends for a season… why do some friendships never last a lifetime?
Do you recall how easy it was to make friends when you were young? One moment, you’re strangers at the playground; the next, you’re playing tag, screaming at the top of your lungs and having fun. At that age, there’s a fearlessness in approaching unfamiliar faces and quickly making friends.
But as we grow older, the carefree days of childhood give way to the complexities of adult life. We’re juggling careers, relationships, and other responsibilities, leaving little time for cultivating new friendships. Even when we make connections, maintaining them can be a challenge as life changes and evolves. Sometimes, despite our best efforts, we drift apart or realise that certain individuals no longer fit into our lives – a reality we don’t often talk about. While society prepares us for the heartbreak of love lost, who prepares us for friendship breakups?
Somebody that I used to know
Miranda Ledesma, a psychotherapist and trauma therapist, tells me the grief of losing a friendship can be similar to a romantic breakup. “Friends are often a source of significant emotional support; they’re with us during pivotal moments in our lives and witness our best and worst moments. This can add to the complex dynamics of a friendship, making it more complicated to end than a romantic partnership.”
My worst friendship breakup took place almost a decade ago. I knew Farrah (not her real name) while working in the same industry and we became fast friends. She invited me to her Hari Raya open house, and soon enough, we were hanging out at least once a week. I became friendly with her family members and knew her boy troubles, while she helped build my confidence.
We were like two peas in a pod until Farrah got an opportunity to head a creative agency and asked me to join her. That was the start of the end. Saying yes to her offer changed everything.
Why do friendships end? I used to think there had to be a reason behind the separation, but eventually, I realised there doesn’t have to be. “Sometimes, there are specific reasons for ending a friendship, such as a betrayal. But many end because people drift apart, and one or both individuals can outgrow the relationship,” Miranda explains.
Former celebrity couples often cite “irreconcilable differences” when they consciously uncouple. I’d like to think that’s the same reason two friends would use when asked why they’re no longer together.
The reason is… who?
Pop culture girlies will remember the reality show The Simple Life, in which wealthy socialites Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie were tasked with low-paying menial labour. Besides emphasising the duo’s ditziness and tongue-in-cheek humour, the series placed their friendship front and centre. This changed in the fourth season after it was reported that the two had a falling out. Neither disclosed the reason apart from Paris’ cryptic statement: “Nicole knows what she did.”
According to Miranda, there are possible signs a friendship may need to change or end. These include only one person making the effort, highlighting the mismatch in how both parties value the relationship; interactions consistently leaving you feeling drained or not wanting to spend more time with the other person; and friendships that are more conflictual than copacetic.
“One question to ask when considering a friendship breakup is whether the issues can be overcome. The best way to answer this is to have a conversation with your friend,” Miranda suggests.
Less than a year later, the two ladies made up and completed the show’s final season. However, it’s widely speculated that their fallout was staged to boost ratings and interest. I mean, they’ve known each other since they were three! Plus, they’re entertainers and knew that creating drama would drum up publicity. At the same time, Paris and Nicole understood that working together shouldn’t ruin their relationship… unlike Farrah and me.
This is why we can’t have nice things
If I were to describe Farrah, I’d say she’s stubborn, hot-headed, and opinionated. Those may be red flags to some, but when it’s a friend, you tend to overlook them. Remember that joke about how a friend will bail you out of jail, but your best pal will sit in the cell with you? Our friendship felt precisely like that until we became colleagues.
Suddenly, her traits were magnified, and working with her felt like reliving the same nightmare. Anxiety became my constant companion. As a conflict-averse person, I avoided addressing the issues, fearing they would damage our personal and professional relationships. Eventually, I resigned, verbally telling Farrah before submitting my letter. She slapped me before we awkwardly parted ways. My last day at work also marked the end of our friendship.
At the time, I didn’t properly process the loss. I was too relieved to be out of a toxic professional environment to grieve the end of what was once a strong connection. It felt like just another casualty of adult life. But looking back, I realise I never fully mourned the friendship breakup – I just buried the grief under confusion and frustration.
“When a friendship ends, it’s a loss,” Miranda shares. “If the relationship was significant, it should be mourned. At the same time, ending a friendship can have positive psychological effects in the long term. There can be space for new, healthier friendships to form. If the friendship was toxic, it may be painful, but there can also be relief.”
When it all falls apart
Friendship breakups aren’t always dramatic. Sometimes, they’re slow burns that leave a quiet, lingering ache. I didn’t know how to mourn the loss of someone I didn’t love romantically but still occupied a massive space in my life. There are no rituals for saying goodbye to a platonic companion: no “friendship divorce” papers to sign and zero societal expectations to work through the emotional baggage.
Miranda says that even though friendship breakups are less frequently discussed, they can be just as emotionally challenging as romantic ones. “Expectations of a friend can be higher than a partner. There’s also a widely-held assumption that once someone is a friend, that person will always be a friend. This isn’t always the case.”
I’m unsure whether I’ve fully gotten over my breakup with Farrah. Lately, however, I’m reflecting more deeply on our friendship and its eventual collapse. I used to place the blame entirely on her – her stubbornness and demanding nature – but I’ve realised I played a part in the breakdown, too. My fear of confrontation, tendency to avoid difficult conversations, and inability to set boundaries likely contributed to the strain.
“Self-reflection is crucial,” Miranda points out. “It helps in understanding the factors that led to the breakdown of the friendship, as well as clarifying and processing emotions. Forgiveness of another is a deeply personal choice, and while beneficial for moving forward, it cannot be forced. Forgiving oneself for any mistakes made is equally important.”
This idea of forgiving myself for everything that transpired hit me hard. I’ve carried guilt for how things ended, feeling like I could’ve handled it better. But through self-reflection, I’m slowly accepting that neither of us was perfect.
Should we work it out on the remix?
Charli XCX’s recent summer release, Brat, had everyone in a chokehold as they dissected who the songs were about. In Girl, So Confusing, Charli reflects on a hot-and-cold relationship with another singer, rumoured to be Lorde. The two seemingly squashed the speculation by “working it out on the remix,” where Lorde added her perspective, and they came together in the final chorus, declaring they’d ride for each other.
I wish it were that easy in real life. Charli and Lorde’s public reconciliation wrapped up their differences with a catchy remix, but it’s not that simple for most of us. Friendships don’t always get the opportunity to “work it out” with a duet or find closure in a final chorus. When Farrah and I parted ways, there was no remix to air out your feelings and no stage to perform the reconciliation. We just went our separate ways.
A decade has passed, and sometimes I wonder if Farrah and I could ever be friends again. I ask Miranda, who says, “It depends on what happened, how the conflict was handled, and if both parties want to repair the friendship. It takes time, patience, and trust from both sides. While possible, it may not be easy.” Yet, I’ve seen plenty of TikTok videos insinuating that friendships shouldn’t be rekindled after a breakup.
As much as we live in a world where second chances are celebrated, the truth is that some friendships simply run their course. Maybe Farrah and I will never reconnect, and that’s okay. Not every friendship needs a comeback tour; sometimes, the healthiest choice is to accept the ending.
Lessons after a friendship breakup
This isn’t my first friendship breakup and I doubt it’ll be my last. As the old saying goes, “Friends for a reason, friends for a season, friends for a lifetime.” It’s a cliche, but there’s truth in it. Friendships evolve just as we do, and not all are meant to last forever. But that doesn’t mean they weren’t meaningful.
“There can be a belief that friendships should be more resilient and that conflicts can be resolved more easily. If that isn’t possible, it can feel invalidating for someone who needs to end a friendship,” Miranda explains.
My biggest takeaway from this? Having a face-to-face conversation with my friend about my feelings is essential. “Be clear and honest while extending empathy toward the other person. Keep the conversation as respectful as possible. Just because a friendship ends doesn’t mean former friends have to become enemies.”
Every connection, whether it lasts a year or a decade, shapes us in some way. As I move forward, I choose to appreciate those seasons for what they were and stay open to whatever comes next.