Did you know there’s an International Friendship Day in July? I reflect on my relationship with my closest male friend and what I’ve gained (and lost) throughout our years together.
“Friendship never ends!” The Spice Girls jubilantly declared, as they stormed a bohemian party and wreaked havoc. When I first heard that affirmation, I was impressed. The proclamation stayed with me for so long; I genuinely thought the friends I’d make throughout my life would be my ride or die… well, till I die. But everyone knows that’s not true, and it’s harder to make friends as we grow older.
Gender plays a part in friendships, particularly in my case. Most of my closest friends are women; we’ve been through a lot together. It’s much harder for me to make friends with men because of bad adolescent experiences. I was bullied during my secondary school years, just because I didn’t “behave like a boy should” and “only had female friends”. That crystallised my demeanour towards men in general and it’s why I don’t have a lot of male friends in my life.
Apparently, my experience is not exclusive. According to American psychologist and researcher Niobe Way, who authored the book Deep Secrets: Boys’ Friendships and the Crisis of Connection, teenage boys tend to perceive friendships differently.
“Boys know by late adolescence that their close male friendships, and even their emotional acuity, put them at risk of being labelled girly, immature, or gay. Thus, rather than focusing on who they are, they become obsessed with who they are not – they are not girls, little boys nor, in the case of heterosexual boys, are they gay,” Niobe states in her book.
She adds: “In response to a cultural context that links intimacy in male friendships with an age, a sex (female), and a sexuality (gay), these boys mature into men who are autonomous, emotionally stoic, and isolated.”
The problem with male friendships
This perspective among men tends to follow them into adulthood. A study conducted by the Survey Centre on American Life in 2021 found a “friendship recession” among men. Of the menfolk polled, 15% said they don’t have any close friends. It gets worse – those who do reported not being emotionally connected to them. These findings are disconcerting to me, although I’m not entirely surprised.
Based on my observation, there’s a striking difference between male and female friendships. Generally, men are less likely to show vulnerability, and because of that, their friendships tend to be more superficial. They don’t know how to level up from only doing things together and talking about things like work and sports to broaching sensitive topics. It doesn’t help that male friendships are often portrayed as such in the media. Entourage, I’m looking at you.
In comparison, women are more open to discussing almost anything: boy troubles, the best (and worst) sex they’ve had, career problems, and even their period cycles. Nothing is too much – or too taboo – to converse about. Because of that, women tend to be more emotionally intimate with each other. That’s not to say that all women are unguarded or all men are emotionally closed off. However, more often than not, the stereotypes tend to be true.
We’re going to be friends
While I count several women as my good friends, I do have a few male friends. And out of all the men in my life, I consider C my closest friend. We’ve known each other for over a decade, and our relationship has been through a lot.
Back in 2010, a mutual friend briefly introduced us during a dinner outing, though it wasn’t an immediate connection. It was only after a few more group hangs and one-on-one time during those outings that we clicked. We eventually ditched that friend group and hung out, just the two of us. We’d text random things, meet for meals, and occasionally party together. I recall going to a club once after he had his wisdom teeth extracted a few days before! Ah, back when we were young, wild, and free. Our friendship blossomed comfortably.
Besides having fun, C also taught me to be responsible for myself. When he asked me to accompany him to an anonymous sexual health testing, I said yes without hesitation. He was anxious while waiting for the results, so I kept the mood light by making a fool of myself to keep him preoccupied and entertained. I still go for the check-ups annually, though I’m all by myself nowadays. Why alone? Well, you must be wondering: where did C go?
As our lives change, come whatever…
Around late 2013, C informed me he was migrating to Australia. I won’t lie – I was devastated. I selfishly wanted him to remain in Singapore just so he could be here with me physically and emotionally. It took a few months before I finally made peace with his choice. He’s doing it for his sake, and who am I to stop it? I was excited about the prospect of visiting him once he settled in his new home.
Apart from the physical distance and time difference, our friendship remained the same the years after his move. We constantly kept tabs on each other, and I finally made good on my promise to visit him. It was my first time in Australia too, making it all the more special. I stayed in his home for a week (thanks C, for putting up with me!) before we travelled to Sydney. That’s another milestone in our friendship.
Okay, maybe the Sydney visit didn’t count since it’s a new travel destination for me, while it’s like a journey from Tampines to Bukit Panjang for him. Our ‘first proper’ overseas trip was to Taiwan in 2018. Of course, not everything went smoothly.
You know the saying, “If you really want to know someone, travel with them”? I’ve always known C can be quirky, but imagine putting up with it all day and in a foreign country. Did I get irritated? Undeniably, especially when I was tired. Did that holiday affect our relationship? Of course not. I loved him for his idiosyncrasies, and while the trip did expose our shortcomings, it also highlighted that our friendship’s all G. In fact, we’re planning another vacation again.
You can stand under my umbrella
Remember Covid-19? That did a number on all of us: the world was on lockdown, and most of us weren’t coping well mentally. C and I weren’t doing so hot either. After texting to check on each other, he suggested a video call for a proper chat. Truthfully, I wasn’t on board with the idea initially. I despise calls (I still do), and I was unsure what we could talk about during the call. However, looking back, it was something our friendship needed.
The pandemic brought us even closer together. We came clean about our mental health struggles and promised to look out for each other as best as possible. I learned to be more empathetic and brought down my emotional walls. C taught me that vulnerability is not a sign of weakness; he was another reason I wanted to seek professional help. When I told him about my recent breakup, I didn’t expect the tears he’d shed, which got me sobbing too. It speaks volumes when someone cries with you as you grieve for your loss. My heart ached because I couldn’t tell these things to C physically. I sorely wished the pandemic was just a fever dream.
As Covid-19 died down and the prospect of travel loomed, I told C my intention to visit him. Over several months, we discussed dates and flight tickets, and soon enough, I was back in Australia again. Seeing him in the flesh again made me emotional. As much as all of us hated the pandemic and what it had brought on, I appreciated the silver lining behind it. Through weekly video calls and constant text messages, our friendship transcended to another level. We’re more than friends now – we’ve forged a life-long brotherhood.
I’ll be there for you
For the longest time, male friendships have been perceived as surface-level relationships devoid of emotional intimacy. Men, that shouldn’t be the case. Let’s stop giving in to societal expectations and be willing and open to put in the work with our platonic relationships. There’s nothing embarrassing about being sensitive and honest. It might even encourage your friends to do the same too. While I won’t (and can’t) speak for everyone, it worked wonders for me.
When I told C I was writing this piece, I added that I hoped he’d like it since it’s about him. “I’ll like it no matter what,” he confidently told me. This stressed me further because I wanted to do right by him. Plus, I’m more comfortable writing down my feelings and wanted to ensure I didn’t miss anything regarding our friendship.
C, you’re obviously reading this (congratulations for making it all the way to the end!). As we try to remember how we became friends, I just want to say how blessed I am to have you in my life. Thank you for being patient with me despite my sarcasm and immaturity. I truly cherish all the words of wisdom you’ve imparted. You’re my biggest supporter, as I am yours, and I appreciate you for sticking by me through the good and bad times. I love you, and I’m proud to call you my friend. May our friendship last till our dying days.