There’s a saying: two’s a party, three’s a crowd. But what if three (or more) is a charm?
For the longest time, relationships were made for two people: it’s just you and your partner against the world. Nowadays, we can safely say that you can throw that rule book out the window. In the modern dating world, it seems like more people are opening up to ethical non-monogamy, where you can romantically get together with more than one person. But how does that work exactly, and is it something that’s here to stay or just a fleeting dating trend people are jumping on board with?
Counting one, two, three…
If you’re a pop music aficionado like me, you’ll remember the Britney Spears classic 3, where she sings about “getting down with 3P”. That’s the basic gist of ethical non-monogamy (ENM for short; also known as consensual non-monogamy). These relationships aren’t exclusive to two individuals, and consent is required from all parties before more are added into the mix. The idea may be alluring – I’ve thought about it too – but the logistics seem tricky. So why do people still sign up for it?
According to Archie, 43, a software engineer and co-founder of Polyamory SG, many folks are exploring the alternative concept because it emphasises integrity through honesty, communication, and mutual respect. The caveat is that it’s “definitely more difficult and challenging than cheating”.
While the practice has taken off in the Western world, Singaporeans (and Asians generally) are less receptive. In a 2023 poll conducted by Bumble, most are neutral about non-monogamous couplings. Andrea Tan, the dating app’s sex and relationships coach, cites a lack of awareness and education as primary factors.
“With one in five of those polled agreeing that ethical non-monogamy is the way of the future, our survey indicates that Singaporeans are increasingly more open-minded to relationship styles outside of the traditional,” she states.
What constitutes ethical non-monogamous relationships? Well, there are many arrangements. These include open relationships (getting together with others romantically or sexually without deep emotional bonds), polyamory (having multiple liaisons simultaneously, with the knowledge and consent of everyone involved), and swinging (engaging in sexual activities with others, often in a party or group setting). Each structure offers different ways to navigate love and relationships, catering to diverse needs, preferences, and values.
Merrier the more
During my deep dive into this topic, I discovered that men are “slightly more likely to endorse the idea of ethical non-monogamy”. Why is that so? Andrea observes that traditional gender norms often associate having multiple past or present partners with masculinity, which could influence men’s attitudes more favourably.
Archie’s co-founder Janiqueel, 33, a writer, concurs: “It might stem from societal norms that traditionally grant men more sexual freedom. Men may also feel less social stigma when exploring multiple relationships.” Oh, men.
But the desire isn’t limited to men – both genders are equally open to the idea. This is attributed to the desire to explore new relationships and/or sexual dynamics with multiple partners in a healthy and open manner. It’s just that women are less likely to talk about it. “Men seem to feel more comfortable discussing their personal relationship choices, while women, particularly in Asian societies, tend to feel more stigmatised,” Archie shares.
It’s not just a battle of the sexes: demographic cohorts have differing views on ethical non-monogamy too. Tinder’s Future of Dating 2023 report highlights that Gen Z is more receptive to non-monogamous arrangements. According to Dr Angela Tan, the Academy of Relationships and Sex’s co-founder and intimacy coach, this is probably due to millennials growing up in a conservative society. “Even if they might be keen to practise ENM, they have to grapple with beliefs still held by their peers and may not choose to publicly make it known.”
Archie, however, begs to differ: results from Polyamory SG’s community survey indicate that interest in ethical non-monogamy isn’t limited to the younger generation. “While it’s true that younger people are often more open to exploring non-traditional relationship structures, 30% of our respondents are over 50. This shows that the concept appeals to all age groups,” he shares.
What we do is innocent
Despite the growing positive reception, ethical non-monogamy still has a long way to go before it becomes mainstream. This is largely due to the misconceptions. “They believe ENM is just about sex, that it lacks commitment, or that it leads to jealousy and insecurity. In reality, ENM requires strong communication and emotional maturity,” Janiqueel explains.
Archie adds, “Many mistakenly assume it’s just a mask we wear to escape reality, thinking that non-monogamy will never work and is just a fairy tale. This misunderstanding overlooks the genuine and heartfelt commitment individuals in non-monogamous relationships have to their chosen lifestyle.”
It doesn’t help that media representations have been mixed. “They’ve both bolstered and hindered public understanding. It depends on the bias,” Archie says. The recent sports romance Challengers may have oversold the idea of three people in a relationship, whether intentional or otherwise. On the other hand, Big Love, an award-winning 2006 American drama about a practising polygamist with five wives, provided a more nuanced portrayal. Overall, positive depictions are becoming more common.
Let’s make a team
So, you think you’re ready to delve into ethical non-monogamy. What’s next? If you’re in a relationship, it’s important to communicate your desire with your significant other. Discuss the aspects that scare and concern you the most. Both parties should fully understand what it entails and the responsibilities it carries. That said, your partner may not be keen on the arrangement, which is perfectly understandable. Be prepared to accept that.
Next, establish boundaries – agree on ground rules, if you will. Archie suggests having regular check-ins to see whether they’re working or require adjustments as the relationships evolve.
Jealousy is completely unavoidable. “You may inevitably feel it at some point, as the person you care about is also showing romantic care to someone else. Coping means embracing – not erasing – the feeling,” Andrea says. She proposes that couples share some simple things they can ask of their partner when feeling jealous or uncomfortable. This can help soothe anxiety.
“At all times, do allow yourself and your partner compassion when working through jealousy triggers because many of us still experience them in various stages of our relationship. Be open and honest about your feelings, and make an effort to dedicate quality time with one another!”
Is it possible for those practising ethical non-monogamy to change their mind and revert to monogamy? Definitely. Relationship preferences are fluid, and some may find that monogamy suits them better at different stages of life. Interestingly, Archie claims it’s more common for monogamous people who’ve tried polyamory to change their minds. “If you’re truly polyamorous, you can’t just change it, even if you want to.”
Three (or more) is a charm
Ngl, navigating multiple relationships sounds like a lot of work. Is it worth it in the long run? Believe it or not, there are unexpected benefits to being in a polyamorous relationship. Archie declares it has taught him to be less possessive and more generous. “Over time, it helps you see and experience yourself from a much broader perspective. You experience who you truly are and see your significant other from new and exciting viewpoints,” he explains.
However, ethical non-monogamy demands significant time and emotional investment, as managing multiple relationships can be complex and exhausting. The complexities and potential for jealousy might seem overwhelming. Social stigma and misunderstanding surrounding the concept can also be a significant hurdle – not everyone is open to or accepting of non-traditional relationship structures. It’s important to recognise that while the arrangement can be fulfilling for some, others find deep satisfaction in the stability and exclusivity of traditional monogamy. Understanding and respecting individual preferences and boundaries is key.
So, whether you’re curious about ethical non-monogamy or you’re seeking to understand it better, remember that every relationship is unique. What matters most is finding what works best for you and your partners, ensuring that everyone involved feels respected, valued, and loved.
