“Kink can be therapeutic. It can open up a part of you that hasn’t been able to heal.”
In a city known for its cultural heritage and squeaky clean image, there lies an unspoken world where individuals venture into realms of desire and subjugation. Behind closed doors, they’re free to explore their sexuality without judgment. We’re talking about Singapore’s kink community, which has gained more recognition thanks to recent mainstream media and folks becoming more confident about their sexuality and identity.
It’s not every day you get to talk to a professional dominatrix – especially one based in Singapore. So, as part of our Beyond the 9 to 5 series, where we explore unique jobs in Singapore, I chat with Goddess Dahlia, who’s been in this lifestyle for over a decade. Believed to be the only plus-sized dominatrix in Singapore, her kinks speciality leans towards the sadistic and pain-centric spectrum.
Dahlia (she prefers to go by her professional name) was already into the kink lifestyle before this. Only during the Covid-19 pandemic did she finally realise her displeasure with corporate life. With guidance from Mistress Lain, a retired dominatrix in Singapore who also happens to be Dahlia’s close friend, she transitioned into her new role. “This profession chose me,” the domme says.
Unsurprisingly, people are shocked when they learn about her occupation. “Some still don’t know that it’s an actual profession or that there’s a kink community in Singapore. Once in a while, people assume I’m an escort, which I’m far from,” she tells me.
Before you get kinky with it…
Kinks and fetishes are still often misunderstood, no thanks to their portrayal in mainstream media. This can severely harm the community. “Frankly, we aren’t a circus show for society,” Dahlia says. “We just take steps to explore our sexuality more than others, and with that, we learn to respect other’s preferences, even if it’s something we aren’t comfortable personally exploring ourselves.” Fortunately, the community is well-built with resources for consent and safety, and emphasises heavily on mutual respect and inclusivity for everyone.
According to the pro-domme, some kinks and fetishes are more high-risk than others, and people’s physical and mental thresholds differ. She shares six tips for anyone entering the world of kink:
- Ensure that whatever you’re exploring is mutually consensual and that you’re not being falsely persuaded into it.
- Safewords should be in place. The most universally understood safewords are the traffic light system: “green” to increase intensity, “yellow” to slow down, and “red” to stop.
- Negotiate your limits clearly beforehand, and don’t renegotiate during the actual act. It blurs the lines of consent.
- Kink does not equate to sex. It can involve sex, but don’t ever feel forced into it.
- Predators are prevalent everywhere today, so look out for toxic behaviour and gaslighting. If you don’t want such people in your vanilla life, you definitely don’t want them in your kinky life.
- Don’t kink-shame. Even if you dip your feet into the kink world and decide it’s not for you, appreciate and respect that it’s simply a difference of preference.
Kink: A journey of self-healing
There are many reasons why people seek refuge in kink. Some find it an emotional release or a safe space to explore a fantasy; others simply want to have fun. “Most of my clients find peace in being submissive,” Dahlia states. “Life is hard enough. Domming or subbing can be a way we find and express our deepest and most truthful selves, and that’s hugely empowering.”
Dahlia wants to point out that she firmly believes submissives and switches are braver than dominants because of the social stigma surrounding being subservient. “To know exactly what you want – to embrace that you wish to relinquish control instead of pretending to be someone else – that in itself shows strength,” she notes.
During debriefs with her clients, she often hears about their lives, frustrations, and past experiences. “Kink can be therapeutic. It can open up a part of you that hasn’t been able to heal. I treat my professional sessions as a form of release and zen space. Ultimately, it’s not professional therapy,” she highlights. “Kink is not a substitute, but it can be an enriching addition to your lifestyle.”
I ask if there comes a point where trying out kinks becomes too much of an obsession or compulsion. Dahlia acknowledges that there’ll always be those who “go off tangent”. She refers to it as SM poisoning or sub frenzy, where someone behaves to the extreme to fulfil their obsession until they can’t function in daily life or start to ignore boundaries. It’s her job to draw the line before things get out of hand.
Speaking of drawing the line, some kinks and acts are strictly off-limits for Dahlia. She doesn’t have sex with her clients nor allows them to touch her above the knees. “I simply state what I’m uncomfortable with because it’s my space, my rules. If they can’t respect it at any point, I’ll remove them for my safety.”
She adds: “As a professional, I have to state the [rules] very clearly and leave no room for misunderstanding because there can be undesirable clients that will try their luck.” There’s zero negotiation, and anything that infringes on it violates her consent.
The importance of post-session aftercare
While people wonder about what goes on in a session, I’m more curious about what happens afterwards. Dahlia says submissives may experience emotional drops, which is expected as her sessions can get very intense. In fact, there are instances where her clients break down in tears, faint or experience panic attacks.
“It’s part of my aftercare to ensure clients are physically, mentally, and emotionally stable when leaving my space. I do a mandatory debrief after each session to discuss what happened during it, and even in the days after, I may check in on their well-being,” she tells me.
It’s not just the subs that have emotional drops – dommes experience them too, which is why Dahlia’s partner, Pet (they have an owner-pet relationship), is present in most sessions. Afterwards, Pet prepares a bath for Dahlia to soak in.
Dahlia elaborates: “I’m in control when dominating, which means being fully responsible for everything and everyone. Even though there’s always a line between the client and me, there are moments when their emotions latch onto me. It isn’t easy – it can take a lot out of me – and if the day is rough, I sit in the bath alone to decompress and cry it out.”
I can honestly say this is the part most people aren’t aware of. The kinkiness and intense sessions can cause physical and mental exhaustion, and we don’t think about how they recuperate from that. I appreciate Dahlia’s candour as she offers a glimpse into her aftercare for her clients – it showcases a humane side to the profession we barely know about.
Misconceptions of a dominatrix in Singapore
Is it difficult being a pro-domme? Rather than immediately listing the cons, Dahlia succinctly declares her life has improved. “I have a more flexible schedule for my loved ones; I also get to travel and discover fellow kink communities abroad,” she explains.
Regardless, the occupation is not a bed of roses. Dahlia tells me she’s been recognised in public, though it doesn’t happen often. She recalls a stranger following her while on public transport before finally approaching her and bowing; another time, a driver texted her three months after the ride, asking to meet and sending her address back to her. “People think it’s funny, but I dislike attention in my daily life,” she sighs.
That’s not to say Dahlia’s encounters have all been unpleasant. Once, a taxi driver sheepishly asked if she was a dominatrix because he noticed her canes. “After I said yes, he made sure not to make me uncomfortable and was never intrusive. He even helped me with my luggage and wished me a good day before leaving,” she shares.
Being a dominatrix in Singapore also comes with misconceptions, as you would’ve guessed. I wanted to know if anything irks her the most and what myths she wants to dispel about the job.
“People often assume this profession is ‘easy money’ and that it’s so simple to whip out a cane and beat someone. However, nothing about it is mindless,” she says. Dahlia’s days are spent replying to enquiries, planning overseas trips, doing photoshoots, and enhancing her skills and knowledge. It frequently ends with her having her first proper meal at 2am – that’s how busy she is.
Besides the physical domination, there’s also the mental aspect, which doesn’t require any accessories or physical restraints. Sometimes, the domme doesn’t have to be physically there to exert control over the sub.
Dahlia elaborates: “The minute that client walks into the room, I need to know exactly what kind of submissive [they are]. It’s easy to make someone bleed, but how do you bring someone to their knees without lifting a finger? Mental domination supersedes every other aspect.”
Being her true self without apology
As we wrap up our interview, I wonder whether Dahlia has ever questioned her decision to be a dominatrix, particularly in a country like Singapore. While she’s never doubted her choice, Dahlia has pondered on the negative comments about her profession. However, those are just passing thoughts.
“Does it really matter? Do I really have time to care about what people think?” she muses. “If I were to die today, my family would know I love them, my pets would be well taken care of, and I’d have spent my days doing something I absolutely love. I’d have lived the most genuine version of myself and had the flexibility to focus on animal rescue and other passions. That’s what truly matters.”
I nod in agreement. As long as we believe in what we’re doing, it doesn’t harm others, and boundaries are not breached, everything else – especially the negativity – is just water off our backs. That’s all there is to it.
