We list down the reasons you should add sex to your list of topics to discuss before getting married.
Sex is an important way to establish if there’s a basic level of sexual chemistry between a couple. Just like you would discuss kids, religion, finances and other future life plans together, premarital sex should be on the table (pun intended) as it plays a significant role in a happy and lasting marriage. We chat with intimacy experts on why you need to talk about sex before marriage.
Are you sexually compatible? Find out before agreeing to a lifetime commitment
For many of us, sex is a big part of romantic relationships. It may have a profound effect on how happy we are with our partners. Since you’ll be together for the rest of your lives, figure out how well you balance each other’s sexual needs – or even what those needs are.
“It’s the same reason why talking about different aspects of our health, personal desires and ideals before marriage is important,” says Andrea Tan, a certified sex, love and relationship coach at The Athena Rising. “We each have our own expectations and individual relationships with sex, sexual health, and intimacy, which can’t be aligned without communication and mutual discussion.”
Having these discussions early can help avoid any long-term tensions that may strain your marriage.
“When you’re bonded legally through marriage, you might find it very superficial to exit the marriage on the basis that sex isn’t working. So, talking about sex gives you a great opportunity to share your feelings around sex and your understanding of what sex is,” says Dr Jessherin Sidhu, medical director at Insync Medical, a GP+ clinic that specialises in sexual health and intimacy wellness.
Stuck on how to navigate this? Uncover what sex means to you and your partner. Yes, it can be different for everyone. But start with discussing the bedroom activities that tickle both your pleasures. The conversation will only get easier from there.
Set healthy boundaries and learn how to respect them
We’re all unique individuals with distinct wants and needs. So it’s natural that you may not share the same sexual desires and preferences as your partner. Working out these differences before marriage allows you to set and respect healthy boundaries for sex.
Dr Jessherin advises couples to understand each other’s experiences of sex, so as to comprehend or empathise with problems that might arise during the act. In Asian communities, where talking about sex can be a cultural taboo, it may not be easy. But a simple “I’d like to share about the sex that we have” can start an illuminating conversation. “You can open up with a liner such as, ‘I really enjoy the type of sex we have, and I was wondering what you think about these other things’,” Dr Jessherin says.
This should cover a few things: what you’re willing to explore, your comfort level, and the frequency of sex. Getting on the same page reduces the chances of miscommunication or false hopes.
If talking about sex is daunting, Andrea suggests you can set ground rules. Communicate how much reassurance you need and agree to focus on the future instead of fixating on the past. To ensure your talks remain civil, allow time for a break if things get tense so you can reset.
“This helps to create a container that you both share, to allow for deeper connection within a psychologically safe space with boundaries so that you both can manage conflicts should they arise,” Andrea explains.
Within this safe space, exploring and navigating each other’s boundaries will be deeply meaningful and enriching to your marriage.
It’s about strengthening your relationship
Talking about intimate matters requires vulnerability and honesty, which is crucial for any relationship. According to Andrea, couples who have deep discussions are more equipped to transition from dating to an enriching marriage. This results in a tighter bond, more open communication, and greater trust, as each party feels their concerns are taken into account. We know how affirming it is to be seen and heard by the ones we love, so why not give that to your partner?
Ultimately, when and how these talks unfold is totally up to you. They’re truly meaningful only when you’re ready to take that leap of faith. For us, working on communication skills helps. That includes talking about your turn-ons, boundaries and limits. Or even things that bother you outside the bedroom and affect your ability to enjoy sex.
Sex therapists can also work wonders if you’re both open to that. Wading through these issues as a unit with a professional can help foster a healthy marriage – one that’s built on the foundations of trust and open communication. Tip: try masturbation, which gives you confidence and a better understanding of what makes you feel good – that’ll come in useful for your partner.
Now, go forth and navigate those serious talks about sex before you get hitched!