Feeling anxious in the bedroom? We spill tips to help you ease performance anxiety, reduce stress, and enjoy connected intimacy.
Stress and anxiety are things many of us face, and sadly, they don’t just stay in our heads. They can creep into our most intimate moments, resulting in performance anxiety in the bedroom. This can throw off our connection with our partner and mess with our sexual experiences.
Decoding sexual performance anxiety
If you relate to this, you’re not alone. A 2023 study showed that almost 90% of Singaporeans feel stressed, with 16% saying it’s overwhelming. Only a few feel in control and energised. Let’s be real, the last thing you need when you’re most vulnerable is added anxiety.
To dig into this, I hosted an AMA (Ask Me Anything) on Hedonist to uncover everyone’s biggest anxiety triggers in the bedroom. The results? Performance anxiety, body image issues, daily stress, and fear of intimacy.
So, I teamed up with Dian Handayani, a sex therapist with 14 years of experience. She specialises in somatic experiencing and art therapy, helping individuals reconnect with their authentic erotic selves without shame. Together, we explore practical ways to manage anxiety during intimacy and tackle common scenarios many people face.
Understanding bedroom jitters
When it comes to bedroom anxiety, Dian explains, “It often presents as negative physical sensations, thoughts and emotional feelings, which can lead to guilt or a sense of inadequacy. If not addressed, it might also bring on physical issues like pain, tension, or other sexual dysfunctions.”
But here’s the silver lining: recognising that these feelings are normal is the first step toward overcoming them. It’s okay to feel anxious; many of us do! By exploring the roots of your anxiety, you can take proactive steps to manage it and pave the way for a more fulfilling and connected sexual experience.
Scenario 1: Performance anxiety
Situation: You’re worried about not lasting long enough, not pleasing your partner, or not performing as you’d like.
Performance anxiety can stem from various sources, including past experiences, societal pressures, or personal insecurities. You might stress about your stamina, whether you’re meeting your partner’s needs, or feel like you’re not living up to media portrayals of perfect performance.
Research indicates that performance anxiety affects a significant portion of men and women. For men, it can lead to issues like premature ejaculation and psychogenic erectile dysfunction. For women, it often translates into reduced sexual desire and difficulty reaching orgasm.
Practical tips:
Communicate. Have an open conversation with your partner about your worries. Sharing your feelings can ease the pressure and foster a supportive atmosphere. If you’re unsure how to start, try something like, “I’ve been feeling a bit anxious about our intimacy lately, and I’d love to talk about it.” or “I’ve noticed that I’ve been stressed during sex, and I think it’s affecting our connection. Can we chat about it?” Dian also suggests discussing your concerns outside the bedroom, preferably not while things are heating up.
Focus on the experience. Shift your focus from performance to connection. Instead of stressing about the outcome, enjoy the journey and intimacy. As Dian emphasises in her mantra, “Put the pleasure in the centre and not pressure”. She recommends focusing on the sensations and pleasure rather than the result. Sometimes, taking orgasm or penetration off the menu can help you enjoy the experience more.
Practice relaxation techniques. Incorporate relaxation techniques like deep breathing, meditation, or mindfulness exercises to calm your nerves. Dian also recommends somatic exercises, such as releasing a deep sigh disguised as a moan to help the body relax and release tension.
Scenario 2: Body image concerns
Situation: You’re overwhelmed by self-conscious thoughts about your body, which affects your confidence and enjoyment in the bedroom.
Body image concerns are more common than you think, and they can affect anyone, regardless of their body type or size. These anxieties can create a barrier between you and the pleasure you deserve. When you’re preoccupied with negative self-perceptions, it’s tough to focus on the connection and intimacy that make sexual experiences truly fulfilling.
Practical tips:
Self-acceptance. Remind yourself that your partner is with you because they’re attracted to you as a whole person, not just your body. Dian suggests focusing on what feels good for you. If it helps, start by having sex under the covers or in dim lighting. This way, you can concentrate on the sensations and intimacy rather than your appearance. Don’t pressure yourself to look or act like a scene from a movie. Comparison is the thief of joy.
Positive reinforcement. Embracing your sexuality and celebrating your desires is a powerful journey toward self-acceptance and well-being. By affirming your worth and validating your experiences, you create a space of confidence and joy in your life. Stand in front of the mirror and note things you like about yourself. Regularly practice this exercise to build a more positive self-image.
Need help? These empowering examples will help reinforce a positive mindset:
– I will honour and embrace my sexuality with gentleness, compassion and joy.
– My desires and boundaries are valid and deserve respect.
– Embracing my sexual needs is essential for my well-being, and I accept it without judgment.
– My pleasure matters, and I deserve to enjoy it fully and freely.
– I won’t let imperfections take away from my beauty. Every mark and scar is part of my unique story.
Scenario 3: Stress from daily life
Situation: You’re feeling overwhelmed by daily pressures, which affects your ability to relax and engage in intimacy.
When stress becomes a regular part of daily life, it can affect your mental and physical health, leading to anxiety, fatigue, irritability, and difficulty concentrating. In the context of intimacy, stress can inhibit your ability to relax and connect with your partner, as the preoccupation with daily pressures can overshadow the desire for closeness.
Practical tips:
Create a buffer zone. Take time to unwind before diving into intimacy. Dian explains, “Sometimes, our body and mind need a little time to unwind and clear out the stress before we shift into a more intimate mood. Creating rituals can help signal to your brain and body that it’s time to switch gears and get ready for something steamy.” Consider drawing a relaxing warm bath to share, preparing a comforting meal, or simply enjoying quiet cuddle time and conversation.
Set the mood. Transform the bedroom into a haven of tranquillity. Remove or turn off distractions like phones, work-related documents, or anything that might remind you of your stressors. Use calming elements like soft lighting, soothing music, or aromatherapy to create a stress-free environment where you can focus solely on each other.
Practice mindful intimacy. Engage in activities that promote relaxation and closeness. Whether it’s giving each other a massage, exploring slow and gentle touch, or simply enjoying non-sexual physical closeness, these moments can help reduce stress and boost your emotional connection, making intimacy feel more relaxed and enjoyable.
Dian suggests trying a favourite exercise from Betty Martin’s 3-minute game. It’s a great way to practice discussing and negotiating consent and boundaries, and it doesn’t have to be sexual! Simply choose one person to be the giver and the other to be the receiver.
Scenario 4: Fear of physical or emotional intimacy
Situation: You’re anxious about getting close to someone, and you can’t fully engage in the bedroom.
Fear of physical or emotional intimacy often stems from past experiences, personal insecurities, or unresolved issues like trauma. When combined with a lack of sex education and a conservative culture that treats sex as taboo, these fears can become even more pronounced. You might hesitate to be vulnerable, feel anxious about getting emotionally close or even avoid physical touch altogether.
Practical tips:
Take it slow. There’s no rush when it comes to intimacy. It builds over time, so let it develop at a pace that feels right for you and your partner. Spend quality time together, focus on strengthening your emotional connection, and let trust grow naturally.
Dian suggests that one of the best ways to overcome fear is through playfulness. Introduce games that can act as ice-breakers, helping to ease conversations about sex and allowing you to connect on a deeper level. Play footsie or exchange a cheeky wink when you’re on a date. To ease awkwardness around sexual topics, create a set of fun pet names or code words to add a playful touch.
Educate yourself. Understanding the roots of your fear of intimacy can be enlightening and empowering. Read books, explore online resources, or attend sex-ed workshops to gain a deeper insight into intimacy issues and learn effective ways to address them.
Communicate boundaries. Open communication is key. Clearly express your comfort levels and boundaries with your partner. Knowing that your partner respects and understands your limits can create a safer space for you to open up and gradually increase intimacy.
Dian points out that experts at the Gottman Institute recommend using a “gentle start-up” for effective communication. Here’s how to approach it: Share how you feel and present the facts of the situation neutrally without blaming your partner. Next, ask your partner to help meet your needs.
Always be polite and appreciate your partner’s willingness to engage and make changes. Avoid piling up complaints and dumping them all at once. Instead, set aside regular time to work through your issues together. If expressing it verbally feels tough, try writing it down and rehearsing it in the mirror before sharing it with your partner.
When to seek professional help
If your performance anxiety in the bedroom is persistent and significantly affecting your relationship or your quality of life, it might be time to seek professional help. A sex therapist or counsellor can provide tailored strategies and support to help you navigate these challenges.
Remember, you’re not alone in this. The trick is to address it directly by being honest about your feelings, trying relaxation techniques, and seeking help if you need it. With some patience and self-kindness, you can manage your anxiety and build a fulfilling, joyful sexual relationship.
Be kind to yourself, stay positive, and trust that you’re making progress every step of the way.
