Let’s talk about kinks: Is variety the spice of life in the bedroom?

So, your partner's into a kink – how do you handle it? Explore the fascinating world of kinks you might encounter and break down the stigma of kink-shaming together.

When it comes to intimacy, have you ever wondered why some prefer a bit more spice in the bedroom while others stick to the basics? Ever felt that rush of excitement at the thought of being tied up, spanked, or even gagged, only to worry about judgment? The truth is, each person’s desires often fall on a wide spectrum, including types of kinks where specific interests diverge from mainstream norms.

Exploring types of kinks and beyond

A 2005 Durex Global Sex Survey found that at least 20% of adults have tried some form of bondage during sex. And according to Pornhub analytics, ‘bondage’ and ‘BDSM’ were among the top 20 search terms in 2022.

Another study by the Journal of Sexual Medicine surveyed Canadians aged 18 to 65 and found that 64.6% of women had fantasised about “being dominated sexually,” compared to 53.3% of men. It also reported that women in this research were significantly more likely to fantasise about being dominated, while men were more likely to fantasise about dominating.

Kink can indeed deepen intimacy, rooted in trust, communication, and vulnerability with a partner. Despite its fifty shades of benefits, kink-shaming remains pervasive, often seen as taboo and associated with a “niche group”.

But if you’ve ever engaged in role-playing, dirty talk, or even a bit of tickling, well (spoiler alert) you’ve already dipped your toes into exploring some form of kink! So, let’s get to the bottom of what kink is really about and embrace it with an open mind. After all, why settle for vanilla when there’s still a variety of  “flavours” to try?

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Understanding Kinks: What’s your flavour?

Kink can have varied meanings across different cultures, but generally, it encompasses a wide range of activities, fantasies, and fetish practices that go beyond traditional sexual norms. These can include BDSM (bondage, discipline, dominance, submission/sadism, and masochism) to role-playing. BDSM, often associated with kink, involves a power dynamic that indulges in physical control, sensory deprivation, restraint and sometimes using pain to heighten a state of euphoria.

There are kink activities that also serve as foreplay, while others are enjoyed in their own right. For instance, the art of Shibari is a traditional Japanese art form of rope bondage that uses intricate patterns to create visually stunning and erotically charged aesthetics.

Kink enthusiasts appreciate this type of kink for its artistic beauty and craftsmanship, offering a meditative experience that deepens connections between partners. It explores power dynamics through gentle to intense rope sensations, fostering non-verbal communication and emotional intimacy.

Above all, having a kink isn’t inherently negative (think of it as adding extra sprinkles to your ice cream for extra excitement!). As long as all parties involved have mutual consent and maintain open communication, everyone is more likely to have a positive, ethical, and pleasurable experience.

The harm of kink-shaming: Don’t yuck my yum

Kink-shaming, much like any form of judgment, can inflict deeper wounds than meets the eye. It goes beyond mere teasing; it undermines someone’s autonomy to explore and express their sexuality freely.

As we dive deeper into kink, a familiar mantra in the kink community stands strong against judgment and stigma: “Don’t yuck my yum.” This phrase embodies the belief that everyone’s sexual preferences and desires are valid and deserving of respect, no matter how unconventional they may appear to others.

Let’s explore why having a harmful attitude should be challenged:

1. Emotional and psychological damage: Being shamed for your kinks can feel like a punch to the gut. It can lead to guilt, shame, and a plummet in self-esteem. Nobody deserves that! This emotional turmoil can impact mental health, leading to anxiety, depression, and a decrease in self-esteem.
2. Hindered communication: Open communication is vital for healthy sexual relationships. Kink-shaming puts a lid on those conversations and discourages individuals from discussing their desires with their partners, leading to misunderstandings, unmet needs, and dissatisfaction.
3. Loss of trust: Trust is the bedrock of any relationship and kink-shaming can crack that foundation. When someone feels judged or ridiculed, they may become reluctant to share their true selves, causing a rift in the relationship.
4. Reinforced stigma: Shaming perpetuates the myth that some desires are “wrong” or “weird” when they’re not! This stigma can create a hostile environment for those who engage in these practices.

Moving beyond kink-shaming: Let’s get kinky!

If you’ve made it this far, chances are your curiosity about kinks is more than just a passing thought. Whether you’re hoping to understand how to be a better friend and partner, or simply looking to explore kink for yourself, here are five empowering tips you can do to integrate into your journey:

1. Education and awareness: Knowledge is sexy. It’s your best defence against prejudice! Explore various kinks and fetishes without judgment, delve into its origins and find out what they mean to those who enjoy them. Maybe it’s listening to relevant podcasts or reading articles to deepen your understanding or considering attending positive sex-ed talks, where you get to mingle with others eager to expand their minds in a safe, expert-guided environment.
2. Embrace an open mind: The world of kink is like a buffet – just because you don’t want to try every dish doesn’t mean someone else can’t enjoy them. Approach conversations about kinks with curiosity and openness. An open mind and good communication can turn awkward moments into opportunities for deeper connection and understanding, whether with a partner or within yourself.
3. Consent and respect: If you’re looking to practice kink, prioritising consent and safety is everything. Advocate for practices that ensure all parties are informed, willing, and safe. Familiarise yourself with the concept of “Safe, Sane, and Consensual” (SSC) and actively promote them in your discussions. When all parties involved practice kink consensually and ethically, it fosters an environment where everyone’s boundaries are respected and valued.
4. Support and Empathy: If you’re supporting kinky friends, be their cheerleader! Validate their feelings and experiences, even if their interests aren’t your thing. Start with active listening – when they share their kink, really tune in. Show empathy and curiosity to build trust as they open up. Use inclusive language that affirms and avoids derogatory terms that can alienate or stigmatise.

Not sure how to help during these conversations? Start with these questions:

• When your friend shares their interest in a particular kink: “How did you discover this interest?” or “What do you enjoy most about it?”
• When offering reassurance and encouragement: “I appreciate you sharing this with me,” or “It’s great that you’re exploring what brings you pleasure.”
• When using affirming statements: “It’s important to me that you feel comfortable sharing this with me.”
• When you have questions about their kink: “I’m curious about how this works for you, can you explain more?”

If they’re not comfortable discussing their kink in detail, reassure them that it’s okay and that you’re there to support them however they need. Respect their boundaries and preferences, and avoid saying things like “That’s weird.” Instead, focus on creating a supportive and non-judgmental environment. Other things to avoid saying include:

• “I don’t understand why anyone would like that.”
• “That’s gross.”
• “You should just stick to normal things.”
• “I can’t believe you’re into that.”
• “Isn’t that dangerous?”
• “Only weird people do that.”

5. Reflect on Personal Biases: Encourage self-reflection on one’s own attitudes towards sex and kinks. We all have biases, but recognising and addressing them is crucial to avoid kink-shaming. Ask yourself why certain kinks make you uncomfortable and work towards understanding and accepting diverse sexual expressions. Self-awareness is the first step to becoming a more empathetic and inclusive individual.

As we tie a bow (or perhaps use some handcuffs) in our kink conversation, let’s celebrate breaking free from kink-shaming and embracing our diverse desires. This path paves the way for a more vibrant and inclusive sexual landscape. Here’s to confidently exploring and celebrating our various types of kinks with curiosity – because as they say, variety truly is the spice of life!