The lead-up to having sex for the first time can be exciting yet awkward. Need advice on doing the deed? Here’s what we wish we knew.
If you had a time machine to wind back the clock and have a moment with your younger self just before having sex for the first time, what would you say? Preparing for my first time was always a decision I was very conscious of. While I had already experimented with other forms of pleasure leading up to that very moment, there was no denying the mixed bag of emotions that flooded my mind when it came down to actually doing it.
Like a suspense movie, there was a lot of fear, excitement, anticipation, uncertainty, and sweating involved. Would I rate it 10/10? Unlikely. And I’m certain I’m not alone in feeling this way. But if you’re looking for a little insight to make your first sexual experience an awesome one, here are some useful tips to remember (from someone who wishes I had this advice sooner).
Sex chronicles: What you should know before your first time
1. Bleeding may or may not happen, but whatever it is, s-e-x shouldn’t hurt
While the common myth is that every woman will bleed during their first time and it’ll be accompanied by pain, it shouldn’t. You may experience a little bleeding from penetrative sex due to friction and small micro tears in the vagina, but one way to remedy this is foreplay. It’s a great way to prepare the body for intercourse – to produce natural lubrication and reduce any anxious feelings so both parties are more satisfied and relaxed. Squeeze in at least 10 to 30 minutes to give your bodies time to warm up. The extra time will pay off and may even earn you brownie points.
2. The understated hero: Lube for the win
The vagina is self-lubricating but when things are getting hot and heavy, moisture easily dries up, especially with skin-to-skin contact during intercourse. Using lube increases comfort during sex and minimises any feelings of soreness or irritation. But don’t use too much lube either! It might become too slippery and can dull the intensity of the sensation. Water-based lubricants are the easiest to start with. They’re simple to wash off, safe with latex condoms and compatible with sex toys.
3. It can be awkward and maybe a little messy, but that’s perfectly normal
Heard a little audible air escape the vagina? This is known as queefing or a vagina fart (but it’s not an actual fart). Yes, experiencing it for the first time will make anyone want to dig a hole in the ground and stay there. But hey, this natural occurrence is nothing to be embarrassed about. Believe me, almost every woman has had this happen once in their sexual encounters. Look on the bright side: at least someone’s getting some action going on!
The both of you will eventually laugh it off. While some might find it hard to stay aroused because of how nervous you are, that’s alright. Continue to keep communications open and create a safe environment for each other to explore new territories without shame or judgment. So, loosen up (pun intended) and have lots of fun!
4. It’s nothing like porn…
…Unless you have someone else in the room telling you to moan on cue or edit scenes to drag out every sex act into a long erotic drama. Chances are, sex for the first time may last less than 30 minutes. Sometimes even seconds!
Sex doesn’t have to be a marathon for it to be great. Great sex isn’t all about stamina; it’s about being present. The best sex happens when you’re fully in the moment, paying attention to your partner, and getting out of your head and into your body. Notice the details of your partner’s body – from the smell of their hair to the contact of their skin. Being present will allow you to change your whole experience into something almost tantric. That will be so much better than anything you’ve ever watched in porn.
5. Penetration isn’t the only way to enjoy pleasure
Take time to explore other erogenous zones for a heightened experience. This can help to delay ejaculation in men by prolonging foreplay, and it enhances arousal in a woman’s body too. Ever heard of vaginal tenting? It’s where the vaginal muscles pull the uterus up a little to create more room in the vagina, making sex more enjoyable for everybody involved. That said, don’t be afraid to ask your partner for what you really want. Guide one another to your hot spots, be vocal about the pressure and intensity of every touch, and when you’re ready for penetration, say it. Everyone deserves to enjoy their first time!
6. Self-pleasure is the best way to know what you like and dislike
Embracing self-pleasure is a beautiful way to connect with your own body as you develop bodily autonomy through this sexual relationship with yourself. For men, masturbating regularly can also build up stamina and help you last longer during sex. Whether it’s through manual stimulation or with a sex toy, you’ll uncover sensual secrets about yourself by knowing what works best for you. This helps you to become a better communicator to your partner in the bedroom for a feel good time.
7. Learn how to use a condom
No matter who you are, this knowledge is vital! How to correctly put a condom on saves you heaps of trouble. You won’t lose it inside the vagina or have it slip off the penis during penetration. While this might seem uncommon, ladies, trust yourself and boldly walk up to the counter to purchase a pack of condoms.
Empower yourself by carrying condoms with you and making sure your partner puts on a rubber before getting it on. Having sex for the first time can be nerve-wracking – the last thing you want on your mind is the fear of unwanted pregnancy or the likelihood of contracting STDs. Keep your mind at ease (this state can help with orgasms) and knock your socks off safely.
8. Aftercare is just as important as the main act itself
As you unlock a new sensation after having sex for the first time, this intense activity can lead to an endorphins crash followed by an emotional high. So it’s really important to take care of your mind and spirit as you help your body regulate itself after sex. A nice pillow talk after, some cuddles or a shower together are some ways both of you can continue to deepen the emotional bonding you’ve just experienced.
9. Ladies, always pee after sex!
The vagina is a very delicate region that’s prone to getting a urinary tract infection (UTI) after sex. This can take weeks to recover if infected. Yikes! So never forget this one simple rule: flush away any pesky UTI-causing bacteria, pee, wipe from front to back, and live to enjoy another day of pleasure.
10. Don’t make an important decision in the heat of the moment
Under a heightened state of emotion, you may be more inclined to engage in ill-considered or rash actions. For example, confusing physical satisfaction for something like love. Don’t allow your flustered heart to be mistaken.
Sex and love are two different things, yet both are equally important in keeping an intimate relationship alive. So the next time things get steamy in the bedroom, pay attention to the way you’re feeling and recognise how those emotions may distort your thinking and influence your behaviour.
11. Feeling guilty or having second thoughts about sex? Don’t do it until you’re ready
Sex can mean many things to different people, but feeling guilty shouldn’t be one of them. As long as you apply the golden rule, which is to make sure that sex is consensual between all parties, there’s nothing “dirty” or “shameful” about it. You may have a few initial butterflies in your stomach but know that it’s all normal.
Just breathe and remember you’re always in control of your pleasure choices. If, at any point, you feel the need to say no, that’s okay. Ultimately, no one should coerce you into having sex, period. In a wholesome and fulfilling relationship, a supportive partner’s role is to learn how to take a no without guilt-tripping you.
12. It’ll only get better with practice
If sex on your first try wasn’t a 10 across the board, don’t be discouraged. It just takes more practice. There are so many neat tricks that you can do as you dive into a world full of pleasure – and they aren’t limited to the penis and vagina. Allow your tongue and fingers to roam around the body and don’t be afraid to add sex toys into the mix to spice it up.
Exercise your sexual rights by keeping your mind open to new experiences without pressure. Who knows, you might just be the next person to pass on the satisfaction baton to someone else with your sex-positive knowledge. Doing the deed doesn’t have to be stressful with these tips for having sex for the first time!