So you’ve been ghosted. Ouch. We’ve all been there at least once. Ever wondered what goes through your date’s mind when they’re ghosting you? We’ve got the answers.
You’ve probably been there before. You’re feeling lonely so you (re)download a dating app to find someone to fill the quiet evenings. You enter a week-long talking stage, discussing star signs, interests, and work. The conversation’s flowing and everything seems to be moving in the right direction. You might’ve even met for a first date at a fancy restaurant or bar.
Then, the unthinkable happens. After sending the usual morning greetings, you check your phone, only to realise there are no new messages (or worse, an empty Telegram chat). Soon, those hours turn into days. By the time a week or even a month goes by, you’ve gotten the hint. And you’re left wondering, “why did they ghost me?”.
Let’s talk about ghosting, baby
To put it simply, ghosting is the act of cutting all communication without explanation. There are many reasons why someone does this: let’s look at the numbers. A recent survey by Bumble shows that 56% of Singaporeans ghost someone because they don’t feel a connection. Other reasons include busyness, leaving too much time between replies, and simply wanting to avoid an awkward conversation.
According to the results, 73% of responders were ghosted after a few text messages. But only 65% of them expressed that it’s an inappropriate way to end a relationship. And while it stands as the majority, it’s not overwhelming. Despite being ghosted, some people clearly find it a legitimate method to cut contact.
It stings either way, I get it. As someone who’s been in my fair share of situationships, one of the least enjoyable parts of the process is being ghosted. I’ve been disappointed quite a few times after a new special someone disappears from my life. But like many people, I’ve also done my fair share of ghosting (to all the boys I’ve texted before, I’m sorry). So, do I hate it? I’d say I’m very much on the fence.
Before you cancel me, hear me out. I’m definitely not pro-ghosting. But there are reasons why people lean towards this option. And we’re here to talk about them.
The modus operandi of serial ghosters
After speaking with serial ghosters, I realise that while the act of ghosting is straightforward – vanishing, never to be heard from again – the motives behind it vary dramatically.
Most of the time, it’s because of bad conversation. Firdaus Nazim, 24, tells me that if the banter is bland, he’s more likely to stop talking to someone. “Conversations should be a ping pong game, not a Vogue question-and-answer session,” he explains.
Esme Sedket, 21, agrees. She ghosts if the chat gets boring. “I’m not going to waste my time racking my brain for questions if they’re not going to put in the same effort. There’s only so much you can do to salvage a dying conversation,” she says.
There can also be a mismatch in expectations or an inability to gel with someone. Bella (not her real name), 24, says that she ghosts if they’re disrespectful in any way. “Sometimes they’re just plain uncultured,” she sighs.
In more extreme cases, it’s a matter of safety. Sara (not her real name), 24, tells me about the last time she tried to offer someone closure. “After I realised he was only looking to hook up, I decided to end things. We hadn’t been talking for long, so I thought it’d be easy to go our separate ways,” she explains. Turns out, this person didn’t take the news well and almost assaulted Sara. Yikes. “Now, I ghost because I’m scared of that happening again,” she admits.
Harper (not their real name), 27, says that looking closely at someone’s profile can help to decide if you’ll hit it off or not. But even then, conversations online aren’t always the same in person. If your communication styles don’t match, there’s no saving a bad vibe check.
So do we hate the player or hate the game?
It’s easy to pin the blame on the person who ghosts you. After all, ghosting can be seen as an inherently selfish act. Nixalina Watson, the brains behind the podcast Sex & Singapore City, shares that it’s rooted in cowardice, and is the easiest way out for ghosters. “Would you rather have a difficult conversation or simply disappear? A swift block and they swerve that entire situation,” she says.
But again, not everything is that simple.
Jean Chen, director at Relationship Matters, says everyone reacts differently to ghosting. “Some people feel better after hurting someone back, and that’s why they ghost. This behaviour doesn’t come from nowhere,” she explains. It serves as an act of revenge that they never got to pursue. After dating for a while, ghosting starts to hold less weight. That’s when people become indifferent and continue to ghost others.
I can’t deny that it’s self-serving in nature. But I think a better way to describe this phenomenon is an act of self-preservation. After going through the same motions in dating, it’s no surprise that people start becoming jaded. Sara is just one of them. The dating rat race can be a brutal one and I find it hard to blame her for ghosting people.
“Even if my conversation with someone flows, we’re still strangers,” she says. “It’d be entitled of me to think they owe me their emotional capacity. And it goes both ways,” she explains. This is something Sara learned the hard way after reaching countless dead ends in the dating scene. “I’m apathetic now. Ghosting and being ghosted isn’t such a big deal after you go through it so many times.”
So, we (kinda) agree: Ghosting sucks
There’s a tendency for us to label things as a priori good and bad. But is ghosting really as black and white as we want it to be?
“It’s definitely not a positive thing,” Harper tells me. While it’s not ideal to leave someone on ‘read’, it’s not the end of the world. Firdaus echoes this sentiment. They believe the ghosting experience exists on a sliding scale.
“If I’m ghosted, I only feel horrible if it’s someone I’ve been casually dating. But that rarely happens. If they disappear after we’ve only been talking for a month or two, there are no hard feelings,” Firdaus concludes.
Esme says she used to be disappointed. But recently, she’s become indifferent about it. “If there’s nothing to keep them from interacting with me, it probably wouldn’t have worked out anyway,” she shrugs, chalking it up to a mismatch in vibes.
The cleanse after the haunting
While we frown on the act, serial ghosters will always be around. It’s something we might never phase out of the dating scene. But the road to recovery isn’t complicated.
Lucille McCart, APAC Communications Director of Bumble, says we can’t control other people’s actions. “If being ghosted makes you feel alone, open up to your friends about this. It’s a very common experience of dating,” she says. “Focus your time and energy on people who are reciprocal, and leave old connections in the past.”
Remember that being ghosted isn’t always a reflection of you. While it hurts for a myriad of reasons, don’t question your self-worth. “Be comfortable exploring what happened in the relationship. Take time to understand yourself and why you’re feeling hurt,” Jean advises.
For recovering ghosters, Lucille says to lead with kindness. Explain your feelings and give the other person agency to decide how they want to continue the relationship. “Date with honesty, respect, and integrity,” Nixalina encourages. “Think about how someone else feels, and act accordingly to that.”
To me, ghosting isn’t inherently good or bad, but it definitely runs deep within our dating scene. Feeling disappointed (or even angry) after being ghosted is a completely legitimate response. But we’ll never truly know the reasons behind someone’s actions. Extend an olive branch both ways ‘cos a little empathy goes a long way.
While my ghosting days are behind me, I don’t oppose it. In some ways, it’s an act of self-love. If someone starts showing red flags, it’s probably easier (and safer) to pull the plug. And if you’re ghosted? Feel your feelings. Then pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and look forward. You’ll have to kiss a few frogs, but eventually, you’ll find your person.
