The truth about being in an interracial relationship? Just like any other couple, you have your differences – but love is more than skin-deep.
Love is love. No matter what background we come from, we all bring something different and unique to our relationships. Race, ethnicity, culture and heritage are the layers that make love more rich, complex and beautiful. Especially when they help to widen our perspective and give a deeper meaning to our connection. So let’s not draw the lines in the sand. To celebrate interracial relationships, we speak to three couples about their journeys, their challenges and their love for one another.
The couple: Natasha, Malay-Chinese, early 30s and Patrick, Chinese, early 30s
Together for 13 years, married for 3 years.
The meet-cute
Natasha: We met in school on the first day of orientation. I was immediately drawn to him and we developed a strong friendship which slowly evolved into a relationship. I actually told him that I liked him first and never regretted it!
We dated for seven years before he proposed a few weeks after my birthday at Bishan Park. It was completely out of the blue but it turned out to be a lovely surprise. It was very romantic – he put fairy lights around seven trees and on each tree seven photos of us from the last seven years. He got down on one knee, popped the question and I said yes!
Our wedding was such a fun and memorable affair. We were able to incorporate what we loved about our cultures – we had a tea ceremony and a Pelamin (wedding dais) and we loved how our families enjoyed everything. We had our closest friends and family join us and there was so much laughter and joy – I might be the only bride who didn’t cry on her wedding day. I was just too happy.
What they love about each other
Natasha: I love how determined, smart and driven he is. We’re quite competitive with each other and that fuels my motivation to achieve more and do better. He has the best sense of humour. I think laughter is our love language.
Patrick: I love that she’s a thoughtful person, always trying to do what makes other people happy. Her selflessness is what draws me to her.
On their different cultural backgrounds
Natasha: I grew up with parents of different races and the concept of an interracial relationship wasn’t foreign to me. As a child in the 90s, the biggest wake-up calls were questions from people around me asking about my parentage or why I was choosing one mother tongue over another. I had my fair share of racial conflict but that never hindered the way I interacted with people. My parents also raised me trilingual, making it much easier to connect and communicate with others.
Because of the way I was raised, being racially different never posed any major issues for me. Just like any other relationship, communication is key. Being able to clearly express from the beginning what you are or aren’t comfortable with, and as a couple coming to terms with that, is very important. We can’t expect others to change for us, no matter how long you’ve been together. Instead of choosing to hate the differences, learn to appreciate the parts that make us different.
Patrick: In the context of Singapore, growing up in neighbourhood schools meant we mixed around with other races. It didn’t feel overwhelming as I had friends of other races. It felt normal.
Challenges unique to interracial relationships
Natasha: Having to repeat myself when people ask similar questions over and over. In the beginning, it was fine. But after many years, I was surprised there are people who are curious but don’t often have the best intentions.
Patrick: While the older generations often held the stigma of dating other races due to religion or cultural issues, I observed that the younger generation Singaporeans are more open to these ideologies. While I was studying in poly, I saw many interracial relationships. While not many can withstand the test of time, I’d say their parents or friends pose more of a threat to the relationship than the couples themselves.
Misconceptions about interracial dating
Natasha: Being in an interracial relationship isn’t that different. Just like any other couple, we have our ups and downs. It’s more of the difference in your upbringing that can potentially cause friction or disagreement.
I do wish people would look beyond our skin colour and allow us the chance to know each other better. Comments or questions like “Why do you date a Chinese? You don’t like Malays?” or “Shouldn’t you consider your race first?” should cease to exist. Often, I don’t want to incite any conflict and just laugh shyly – when in fact, these little things can hurt.
Patrick: I think the misconception is that you have to give up a lot for the other party and be very accommodating. Relationships are a two-way street and the agreement between couples is more important than any opinion others hold, especially with regards to your beliefs.
The most common question I get is “Did you convert?”. I don’t think it’s wrong to ask this question but I also don’t think religion should be a factor in a relationship.
Incidents of discrimination and their response
Both: We haven’t had any major discrimination and we try as much as possible to be polite. It can get very tough at times but these days, we choose who we want and don’t want to respond to.
Lessons learned from each other through the years
Natasha: I’ve learnt to be open to new experiences and go with the flow. I’ve always been more cautious and uptight; last-minute changes don’t sit well with me. On the other hand, my husband doesn’t let change affect his mood. He puts in the effort to enjoy the experience. Because of this, I’ve slowly accepted that I can’t control everything, and I’ve enjoyed life so much more.
Patrick: I learnt how to express myself better after getting together with her. She taught me many things and I believe the trust we built will last a lifetime. It’s something rare that even couples from the same race would have difficulties achieving.
Advice for other interracial couples
Natasha: Don’t give up. If you believe you’ve found your life partner, do whatever it takes to make it work. Learn to accept that differences can be a beautiful thing and always remember to choose love.
Patrick: Look beyond the opinion of others and realise that ultimately, your relationship with each other matters more. Those who matter don’t mind and those who mind don’t matter.
The couple: Mathan, Indian, 32 and Margaret, Chinese, 33
Together for 5 years, married for almost 2 years.
The meet-cute
Margaret: We met at the laboratory where we used to work together. He made the first move and here we are today, living together in the house we bought.
Mathan: I’d asked her out after being single for some time. I was initially hesitant, thinking she wouldn’t be interested in someone of a different race. I was definitely surprised she agreed to the date. We went out and really enjoyed each other’s company. I decided it was time to ask her to go steady with me and we’re married now.
What they love about each other
Margaret: I like that he’s someone who finds joy in simple pleasures.
Mathan: I’d say it has to be her patience since I always annoy the hell out of her. She has a great sense of humour which I totally love.
On their different cultural backgrounds
Both: Rather than pointing out the differences, we should be open-minded and accept them. We’re still learning how to preserve the traditions our parents practice and hope to impart that to our children in the future.
Challenges unique to interracial relationships
Margaret: They aren’t exactly challenges, but it’s the side-eye or stares we get from strangers on the streets.
Mathan: One of them is deciding the name of our yet to be born children.
Incidents of discrimination and their response
Margaret: This happened a few years back when we were dating. We were sitting on a bench at Takashimaya event hall, beside a middle-aged Chinese aunty. The next thing we knew, she was pointing her tablet in our direction and ranting. I was shocked. I didn’t know how to react or respond and chose to ignore. But if we were to encounter such an unpleasant incident again, which I hope not, I’ll respond differently.
Mathan: When we were walking outside Plaza Singapura, there was a middle-aged Chinese man who walked by and said something crude. I got furious and confronted him. We exchanged some words but I eventually decided to walk away and not escalate the issue. I didn’t want to be Stomped.
Lessons learned from each other through the years
Both: There are definitely differences in how we approach things. We each have our own standpoint. However, we need to compromise and understand each other for a healthy relationship.
Advice for other interracial couples
Both: It’s gratifying to explore and expose yourself to a different culture. Don’t let our differences divide us. Let us recognise, acknowledge and embrace them. Over time, we learn we’re actually more similar and less different from one another.
The couple: Kishan, Indian, 29 and Michiel, Dutch, 39
Together for 2.5 years (names have been changed for privacy reasons).
The meet-cute
Kishan: We started as friends, and over the course of our friendship, we developed romantic feelings. Fast forward to now: we’re in a stable, healthy relationship where we practise open communication.
Michiel: I moved to Singapore in October 2018. My first two weeks were spent in a hotel, where we first met. Shortly after, we had drinks again; we were interested in each other and shared some values and interests. I was happy to meet a new friend. However, friendship wasn’t our final destination – we started to develop mutual feelings for each other and got into a relationship a couple of months later.
What they love about each other
Kishan: He’s patient and understanding. I tend to be cynical and pessimistic, and he helps me to see it isn’t always dark clouds.
Michiel: My boyfriend is funny, cute and sweet. Not to mention very handsome. What I love most about him is his shining soul, which is best expressed in how he deals with things he’s passionate about, his dreams and imagination.
On their different cultural backgrounds
Kishan: Being Singaporean, I’m always tactful. Whereas he’s more direct, which can be conceived as rudeness. In the early days of our relationship, there were definitely teething problems. English isn’t his first language, and when you can’t articulate how you feel, miscommunication is bound to happen.
Michiel: Communication, not necessarily always verbal, results in a number of misunderstandings. Being understood as rude or insulting has completely taken me by surprise a number of times. We also have a different way of dealing with day to day matters which find their origin in our cultural background.
Challenges unique to interracial relationships
Kishan: Every relationship has its own set of dynamics. But interracial relationships have an extra layer of complexity. Coming from the same cultural background helps, but on the other side of the fence, you gain so much more. Interracial relationships broaden your views on so many things. You get to view life through a set of lens that isn’t native to you. You learn their cultures and values on an individual level. At first, it might seem like a challenge. But instead of fleeing at the idea of anything foreign, it helped me see things from a different perspective, which inadvertently helped me in other aspects of my life.
Misconceptions about interracial dating
Kishan: I feel people assume I’m not proud of my race or culture just ‘cause I’m with someone of a different race. Ironically, the relationship has made me feel proud of my culture, which I didn’t really feel growing up.
Michiel: Dating is dating. I guess each family likes its values and traditions to survive generations to come. Maybe people see having a partner from a different culture as a threat to the survival of their values and traditions. I like to believe it’s an opportunity for enrichment.
Lessons learned from each other through the years
Kishan: I’ve learned to be more patient and see that the glass isn’t (always) half-empty.
Michiel: Patience, understanding, the richness of Asian cuisine, different ways to handle arguments, and more. I experienced some things I’d read about and thought I understood. However, only experiencing it helps you really understand. This relationship, in combination with living in a different culture, has made me look into the mirror. ‘The Dutch way is the only logical way’ used to be my thinking and I wasn’t even aware of this belief.
Advice for other interracial couples
Kishan: In the beginning, it might be bumpy. But when you understand each other’s cultural background, you’ll see it’s rewarding and enriching.
Michiel: Stay strong. Love is a universal language. Culture can only make one speak a different dialect. At first, it may be different, but it’s the same language. Being with somebody who’s been raised in a totally different environment can come with challenges. However, it’s more enriching and exciting than it is challenging.
Have a love story you’d like to share? DM us @Honeycombers, we’d love to hear from you!
