Romance in the modern age is hard enough as it is, so let’s start with identifying if you’re actually on a date or not. Here are the signs if this is a date, or just a friendly hang-out.
Back in the “good ol’ days” (pre-2000s, perhaps), if you and a different gendered individual went to a fine dining restaurant or hit up a trendy bar together, odds were that it’s a date. However, it seems like every year it gets harder to tell if you’re just hanging out with a new buddy or unwittingly on a first date. With even explicitly romantic date-like activities leaving would-be casanovas stumped when they receive a crisp high five instead of a good night kiss, the single community is now in crisis. While this phenomenon has always been a stereotype for the queer community (especially lesbians), my designated token straight friend informed me that it’s more universal than I thought. As a fellow sufferer of the “she’s just not that into you” blues, I’ve done a deep dive into how one can effectively answer: is this a date?
Is this a date? Signs if you’re a buddy or a beau
1. They bring a friend with them
Listen: I have some close friends that I love hanging out with – but I still don’t bring them with me on a date. While double or group dates can be a thing when directly planned out, you definitely won’t bring a random third wheel if you’re in the mood for romance. If the other person asks if they can bring someone along or simply shows up with another person, odds are they don’t consider this an official date.
2. What’s being talked about?
While I’m sure almost everyone has that one dating story where someone said something completely insane, you can generally feel what the situation is by how a conversation flows. For instance, if the other person talks about other people they’re interested in: not a date. More generally, if you barely get asked any questions about yourself: not a date.
3. What are the circumstances of the activity?
Although the Netflix-and-chill era has made it a bit more difficult to identify if a certain activity is meant to be a date, the circumstances of the “hang-out” can be quite telling. A sit-down meal, especially a weekend dinner, has a high chance of being a date. A large party where you barely get to interact? Most likely not a date.
4. They never touch you – or they touch you too much
Especially for first dates, even the most confident of people will probably feel a little nervous. Pay attention to how the other person physically touches you. While a kiss definitely points to a date, even small things like a forearm touch can be strangely intimate. Inversely, if they touch you too much and very casually, it may point to them seeing you more as a friend. Never underestimate body language – someone making the effort to make eye contact, touch your hand, and not look at their phone too much can go a long way.
5. How are they dressed?
Even for the most casual of coffee dates, anyone is going to put some effort into their appearance for a potential suitor. If someone shows up in sweats or looks like they’ve just left the gym, it’s likely a sign that this is more of a casual outing. Simple details like a slightly nicer jacket or some chic makeup can point to the extra effort put in for actual dates.
6. They bring you flowers
It seems like the romantic gesture of bringing someone something nice (like flowers) at the beginning of a date is starting to become less common. Perhaps because of this rarity, a big neon sign that you’re on a date can come in the form of a single rose brought to your door – or any other romantic gift.
7. How do you say goodbye?
Saying goodbye to someone can often be a delicate dance that reveals a lot about relationships. If you’re lucky enough to get a good night kiss, you’re in the safe zone of it being a date. A high five or even a handshake? Signs point to friendship (and maybe a bit of an awkward one at that). Although a bit harder to suss out, how tight or long a hug is can give you a better picture of platonic or romantic vibes. Notice what someone says as well – a brief “see ya” is very different from “I had a great time, let’s do this again,” etc.
8. What happens after?
Now, assuming it was a date – and that it went well – what happens after you say goodbye can often help point you in the direction of a new friend or a second date. Do they text or call you afterwards and want to make plans to meet again? You may have got yourself another date! And if they communicate more sparsely and arrange for a more explicitly friend-coded activity in the future? Probably just buddies hanging out. Stopped hearing from them entirely? The good news is that it might’ve actually been a date; the bad news is that you’ve just been ghosted – but maybe you’ve just dodged a bullet right there.
