Saying “I love you” is not always as easy as it seems.
Hong Kong’s dating apps are hit up everyday, date nights are the norm, and the occasional love hotel is booked – but how exactly is the love scene? More broadly, how much do people say “I love you” to others in their everyday lives? The phrase seems common enough, but some people like me find it hard to say, for a multitude of reasons. Does this sound like you, too? Read on to see if you resonate with me.
Is “I love you” easier done than said?
In popular culture, saying “I love you” is always a seminal moment: when it’s between lovers, that’s when the music swells and the story climaxes; when it’s between family members, it’s meant to affirm bonds and relationships. But in real life, I’ve found that’s often not the case. In fact, when it comes down to it – I rarely say the words “I love you” to anyone in my life.
I don’t know if my propensity to get uncomfortable with the words “I love you” has to do with my Asian background, or is merely a personal quirk of mine. Keep in mind – I know that my family loves me, and that I love them – but actually saying how I feel seems outlandish to me. In reality, the brunt of my “I love you”s are simply directed towards my dog.
Saying “I love you” in relationships
I’ll say it up front: I’ve never been in love before. I’ve barely been in a relationship before and certainly never said the words “I love you” to any romantic partner. This doesn’t seem rare in this day and age, and I don’t think it’s unusual amongst my peers either. From what I’ve heard about love in relationships from others, I doubt that my potential future love story will be anything like a Taylor Swift song (well, maybe some of her later work).
And that’s why I’m not the expert on when you “should” say “I love you” in a relationship. I imagine that one would say it the moment when one “feels” love, but I also know that oftentimes those words are more complicated than they seem, because they can be used to excuse negative behaviours in relationships while other times they’re genuine expressions of love. Ultimately, you are the one to decide who you let into your love life.
I also know that deeply loving someone doesn’t always have to be romantic. Truth be told, most of the great loves of my life currently are platonic. The few times I say “I love you” – and really mean it – are to my friends and family.
Saying “I love you” to friends
When drunk, one of the wilder things I can do is start professing my love for my friends. Saying “I love you” to a bunch of people I clearly already love seems typical, but then, rarity breeds novelty. In my experience, it’s been easier to verbally express my love for my friends compared to my family.
Perhaps this is due to our international upbringing versus our parents’ more traditional Asian upbringing. Or maybe because they’re my peers and in ways we have a more intimate understanding of each other. I always tell myself that I should express my love for my friends more often – especially considering all they do for me.
And I suppose it’s the vulnerability I feel when I say “I love you” that deters me from saying it often. Vulnerability makes everyone uncomfortable, but verbalising how much someone means to you should be worth it. I believe that we should all tell our friends “I love you” more often than we do, and it’s a sentiment that I should take to heart from more people in my life from now on.
Saying “I love you” to family
Saying the words “I love you” in Asian families is a concept that’s been studied by people far smarter than me for many years. Granted, my family is much warmer than the strict Asian families depicted in media like the tiger moms in Crazy Rich Asians. There’s a phenomenon of Asian families verbalising their love less than American families, but that only applies to me to an extent.
My mum expresses how much I mean to her often and says “I love you” once in a while. I can’t really pin my uncomfortableness on her when I’m unable to verbalise my love back. The added layer of saying “I love you” in different languages is another factor. I don’t think those words are uttered in English much around my household. For me, I feel more vulnerable expressing my love in English rather than in my parent’s native tongue.
I do feel some shame in not being able to regularly verbally express my love to my family. However, I personally feel even more uncomfortable with emotions and I often miss social cues. This does lend credence to my inability to often say “I love you” as being a personal quirk rather than a larger phenomenon.
If you’re reading this, tell someone you love them today
So, the theory that Asian families rarely express love verbally rings true to an extent – but this is not inherently negative. Asian families tend to express a lot through their actions rather than through words, which is valuable in itself. Plus, the words “I love you” aren’t magic and definitely don’t gauge exactly how much you love someone anyway; it’s more of a helpful and heartwarming way of reminding someone of the love you have for them.
In terms of when you should say “I love you,” I’d love to say that you should say it as often as you can. Although there are people in your life that may already know how much you love them, it’s always good to verbalise it. While I’m in no hurry to get into a relationship, as right now I’m prioritising the platonic loves in my life (which are just as, if not more, important), and the phrase “I love you” may still be uncomfortable for me, I’m certainly going to try to tell more people I love them from now on.