Why should I drive my own car when I can drive everyone crazy in their car as the designated passenger princess?
I still remember when Cardi B strutted onto The Ellen Show like she owned the place and loudly claimed her status as a “professional passenger”. That’s basically my life story. I don’t see the need to get my driver’s license, even though I’m already in my late 30s. Why should I? Tbh, I almost got my permit during my National Service days. But that idea got shot down faster than a Wild West duel. Plus, with our stellar public transport, I don’t want to be stuck in a tiny tin can on our roads. Have you met our dear drivers? Total nutcases. That’s why I’m a proud passenger princess.
In case you’ve been living under a rock (how’s life down there, by the way?), let me enlighten you on the definition of a passenger princess. We’re the ones being chauffeured around town in a golden carriage. Minus the iridescent, fancy vehicle and… well, the chauffeur in a tux.
Before you jump on the bandwagon and start mocking us, let me remind you that without a passenger princess, your journey on the roads would be as mundane as binge-watching Friends reruns minus the laughing track. Driving yourself? That’s like playing a solo piano recital in an empty concert hall. It might sound nice, but where’s the applause?
The life and times of a passenger princess
The first rule of the passenger princess club? We’re so going to talk about it ad nauseam and wear the role as a badge of honour. There’s no shame here, folks! Who cares if we can’t drive? Maybe we can, but we’re never ever getting behind the wheel. Like ever.
Secondly, just because we’re a princess doesn’t mean we don’t do sh*t. It takes a lot of strength to sit still, okay? Consider yourself lucky we’re fighting the urge to roll down the window and stick our feet out. And what about those times when we keep you entertained with our antics? If I hadn’t gasped, cried, and kept track of all the kangaroo carcasses I encountered during my Australian road trip, my driver friend would’ve been bored to death.
Of course, there’s more to us than entertainment. We’re also highly proficient at being your personal butlers. Admit it: without us, you’ll have to stop randomly at the roadside just to open your bottles or feed yourself. You can fast throughout your trip, but how long can you hold out until your hunger pangs finally get to you? Us passenger princesses take comfort in catering to you.
We take our role seriously, okay?
As if sitting pretty in the passenger seat isn’t enough, being a true passenger princess comes with its own set of unspoken rules and responsibilities. Here are a few guidelines that every passenger princess should abide by:
DJ duty: One of our most important roles is controlling the music playlist. Whether it’s curating the perfect road trip soundtrack or selecting mood-setting tunes for a night out, we hold the power to set the vibe for the entire journey.
Stay awake and engaged: Falling asleep at the wheel is a big no-no, but so is nodding off in the passenger seat. A true passenger princess knows the importance of keeping the driver company and staying alert throughout the journey. Engage in conversation, play car games, or provide moral support when navigating tricky roads.
Navigation expertise: Forget apps – the passenger princess is the ultimate human GPS. With an uncanny ability to navigate unfamiliar roads and spot hidden shortcuts, we guide with precision and confidence. Whether it’s directing them through bustling city streets or navigating remote countryside lanes, we ensure every journey is smooth sailing.
Carpark queen: We’re also quick on our feet. The moment the car enters the car park, we immediately scan for a parking space. Antenna up, eyes wide, looking around like a hawk eyeing its prey. However, we draw the line at being human tissue packets – standing at that lot you prefer so that other vehicles won’t seize it.
A princess (or prince) worth fighting for
One major misconception the general public probably has about passenger princesses is that we’re only into cars. Oh, how far away from the truth that is. Look, we’re more than happy to sit on your motorcycle, taxi, caravan, trishaw, bicycle… you get the drift. As long as you’re in the driver’s seat, it’s all good with us. “Bicycle? Is that even possible?” Dear reader, surely you’ve heard of a two-seater. Yes, we know we can pedal alongside the front cyclist, but why should we? We’re not looking to grow thick thighs or drown in our perspiration.
The biggest point of contention is the term itself. Most will automatically equate it to females, but what about the fellas who identify as passenger princesses? We can go with passenger prince, though that doesn’t have a nice ring. There’s passenger royalty to keep it gender-neutral, but that sounds worse and makes us look like we’re extras from The Crown. Passenger royalty? More like passengers with a royal pain in the trunk! But hey, at least we’re not stuck dealing with traffic jams and parallel parking nightmares.
This discourse spotlights one thing: so what if everyone, regardless of gender, is a “princess”? If anything, we’re more like Mulan rather than Snow White. We know how to get down to business and bring honour to us all.
It’s time we seize the driver’s seat (but not literally)
You may know at least one passenger princess in your life. Heck, maybe you identify as one – hello, co-pilot of chaos! But seriously, have you ever noticed how our kind never gets the spotlight treatment in novels or on the silver screen? In a world where every plebian gets a moment in the spotlight, you’d think there’d be a few stories about those of us who prefer to kick back and enjoy the ride. Instead, we’re stuck watching another Fast and Furious sequel where driving skills are the ultimate measure of badassery.
Think about it: If it hadn’t been for Lily James’ character in Baby Driver, the protagonist would still be living a life of crime. Or, what if Keanu Reeves wasn’t around to keep Sandra Bullock steady in Speed? Let’s face it, behind every great driver is a slightly anxious but fiercely supportive passenger princess, multitasking to ensure the journey is as smooth as butter on hot toast.
In the wild world of navigating highways and avoiding road rages, drivers may be the kings and queens. However, passenger princesses are the witty court jesters, the unsung heroes keeping the royal carriage rolling. So, next time you witness a passenger princess in action, give them a standing ovation (or at least a high-five) for their crucial role in the epic saga of commuting. After all, every road trip needs some comedic relief, and we’re here to deliver – one witty remark and snack supply run at a time.
