So you’ve hit it off on a dating app and now you’re going out. Steer clear of these first date faux pas unless you want to squash the romantic mood.
We’ve all been on a date that went downhill – it usually starts with a few words or actions that kill the vibe. It can be a not-so-subtle nose-picking, a rude comment to the waitstaff, a bit of oversharing, or any off-putting acts. No one wants to make their date leave, but there’s no rulebook on how to be perfect. Good manners and personal hygiene are obvious; however, what you should or shouldn’t say isn’t always clear. Flirting is so tough that it’s the main reason single people choose not to date. As a sex and relationship therapist, I’ve heard the worst of the worst. Here’s my take on things you should never say on a first date.
Worst things to say on a first date
1. “I haven’t dated anyone since my ex”
As a general rule, don’t mention your ex. Dating after a relationship is hard – we all know that – but a first date is a chance to start things fresh. It’s the beginning of a new relationship (or at least a good night), and it shouldn’t be defined by your last partner.
Sure, you might have a few drinks and bond over horror stories about your exes, but let them bring it up and try not to overshare. If you want them to know you’re out of practice, just say, “I haven’t been on a date in a while”.
2. “I think I love you”
This is scary for most people. If you have an awesome connection with your date, you might feel a rush of positive emotion that makes you want to hurry things along. However, immediately telling them you love them shows you’re not totally in control of your feelings.
It also can make them feel smothered or unsafe. If you’ve got good vibes about your date, it’s okay to express how you feel, but take it down a notch. Flashing them with a cute smile and saying “I really like you” can give you both butterflies without the red flags.
3. “I usually go for really skinny people”
The first time a client told me their date said this, I was bewildered. The second time, I was surprised. Now, I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve heard that. It still blows my mind.
Don’t comment on your date’s body type or compare them to anyone. I’ve heard of dates who say they usually go for skinny, curvy, or muscular people – it’s all the same problem. Stay away from remarking on your date’s appearance in comparison to your ex, your “type”, celebrities, or anyone. You may be thinking about it, but don’t say it out loud.
A first date can be nerve-wracking. Stacking them up against a different body type makes them feel even more insecure. If you aren’t drawn to them, that’s okay! Just be polite and say no to a second date. If you find them attractive, don’t express it through comparisons. Instead, offer a unique non-sexual compliment to test the waters. “I love your outfit” is a great place to start.
4. “I’m honest and I say what’s on my mind”
There’s nothing wrong with honesty, but nine out of ten times, someone says this right after they’ve been rude or inconsiderate. Should you be honest? Yes. Should you say everything you believe is true? No.
It’s less about what these words mean and more about how they make you sound. Typically, this shows you don’t have the self-control or empathy to filter your words for the benefit of others. If you’ve said this before, it doesn’t mean that’s who you are – but that’s how it sounds to people. If you accidentally say something weird or rude, just apologise! Don’t double down and pretend you have a moral high ground.
5. “You’re the most beautiful person I’ve ever seen”
Compliments are good on a first date but don’t overdo it. Save the “most beautiful”, “hottest” or “most handsome” stuff for a relationship. Doing that on a first date cheapens the compliment, and for some, it can feel like too much. They may think you’re putting them on a pedestal or you might come across as desperate.
If they truly are the most beautiful person you’ve ever seen, it’ll mean more if you say it later. I recommend starting with a simple non-sexual compliment such as “I like what you did with your hair” to get things going.
6. “I voted for…”
No, just no. Most dating apps allow you to show your political views before matching, so you can avoid conflict. But if you don’t know, you can always find out later. The only time this is okay? If you’re dating a political science major who loves to talk politics (true story). Still, let them bring it up first.
For most of us, such serious talk is a huge mood killer. Politics can be kind of a bummer, and no one wants to think about global issues while they’re trying to have fun. Plus, any disagreements will only bring the date down. If you want to know more about your date’s beliefs or interests, ask a question about their work, passions, or hobbies.
7. “You probably wouldn’t know or haven’t heard of…”
It may not be your intention to be condescending, but it can sound that way to a first date who doesn’t know you yet. Perhaps you’re mentioning an under-the-radar artist or an odd hobby. But to your date, it sounds like you’ve typecast them as someone who isn’t aware of certain things. If you’re bringing up something that isn’t well-known, don’t preface it with a “weird warning”.
Is your favourite band a folk-punk outfit that only sings about cats? Just mention the name of the band. Do you love playing a nearly-extinct card game that your grandma taught you? Just say so. Don’t make assumptions before you talk about it.
8. “I’ve been wearing a butt plug all day”
Yes, someone actually said this to me within the first 15 minutes of our first date. And it was stuck in my mind for the next three no hours – no matter what else we talked about.
I’m all for open sexual communication (I’d be out of a job without it!). However, you need to build up to sexual topics with your partner. If you want to talk about sex, wait until you know each other better. Don’t get too personal too quickly. If the conversation moves toward sex, just ask, “What do you like?”
Got first date jitters? Don’t overthink it
There are lots of big mistakes to avoid on a first date, but most of it comes down to being considerate and open-minded. If you keep worrying about making a faux pas, you’ll end up not saying much at all. Even if you do everything right, some dates just don’t work out. And that’s okay! Dating isn’t about having a perfect time every time. It’s about finding a genuine human connection that’s right for you.