Age ain’t nothing but a number… until it comes to relationships. Would you date someone significantly older or younger than you?
Girls, gays, and theys lost their chill when it was reported that Chris Evans – owner of the world’s most enviable butt and favourite Marvel blockbuster superhero (both subjective, I suppose) – married his girlfriend in a hush-hush ceremony in September. Public reactions were wild, thanks to parasocial relationships; however, a topic heavily discussed was the age gap in their relationship. FYI: He’s 42 and she’s 26. Some cringed over the age difference, while others defended their romantic entanglement.
We keep saying age is nothing but a number, but it seems like it’s still a point of contention amongst many folks. Why does society still react so strongly to age differences in relationships in this day and age? Is it our way of side-eyeing anything that doesn’t fit the conventional narrative, or are we genuinely curious about the love dynamics across different generations?
A romance involving math
If you ask me, age difference shouldn’t significantly affect relationships. I’m open to dating someone five years younger or up to 10 years older than me. Barring one (former) partner, my love connections feature comfortable age gaps (between five and seven years). Even then, it’s never been a cause for concern. We’re on the same page regarding our relationships. The age difference wasn’t a factor in the dissolution of our partnerships; they just ran their respective courses.
The world, however, has a different perception of age gaps in romantic relationships. Go online, and you’ll find articles teaching you to calculate how much “acceptably” younger or older your potential partner can be.
Here’s how the dating age rule works: half your age plus seven for the minimum age and your age minus seven before multiplying by two for the maximum age. So, if you’re 35, you can date someone as young as 25 and as old as 56. As you get older, the age difference grows wider.
That’s where the societal problem arises. If your partner or date is too young, you’re labelled a cradle snatcher, a sugar parent, or worse – a paedophile. Conversely, if you go for someone too old, you’re known as a gold digger, dating a corpse, or someone with parental issues. Either way, there’s no winning with this, and it seems like the perception remains unchanged.
Fortunately, it’s not just us mere mortals (and Chris Evans) that deal with such vitriol. Many personalities in age gap relationships have been subjected to vicious comments. Aaron (33) and Sam Taylor-Johnson (56). The anime versions of Sailor Moon (14) and Tuxedo Mask (18). Elio (17) and Oliver (24) in Call Me By Your Name. Leonardo DiCaprio (49) and his various supermodel conquests girlfriends (all under 25). Beyonce (42) and Jay-Z (53) (yes, even royalty isn’t spared from this quandary). The list goes on.
Age gap ≠ predatory
Conversations on age gap relationships often fuss about the two individuals being at different life stages. I’m irked just listening to them. If I had a dollar every time someone says, “Eww, she was still in [secondary] school when he turned 30!” or “She was in her predatory era when she decided to go after him”, I’d have enough to go on a year-long work sabbatical. The most recent occurrence of this dialogue in Singapore centred around former presidential candidate Ng Kok Song’s 30-year gap with fiancee Sybil Lau.
Let’s clear the air on this whole ‘age gap equals predatory’ drama. Generally, most couples are only aware of each other’s existence after they meet. By the time they become acquainted, both parties are already full-fledged adults with the autonomy to pursue any relationship they desire – age difference notwithstanding. Deeming their relationship “predatory” implies a power imbalance and coercion, when it is not.
It’s paramount to realise that relationships are about two people making choices and consenting to be with each other. Assuming that one party is a perpetrator infantilising their younger partner oversimplifies the dynamics. Even if an age difference makes you uncomfortable, projecting those feelings onto these couples is unfair.
Am I biased and triggered? Probably. It’s not like I actively sought out younger folks to fall in love with; everything naturally happened. Relationships, after all, are a bit like riding a wave – you go with the flow. Slapping the predator label onto the older one in the relationship is akin to character assassination.
You and me and all the other people
Call me modern or defiant, but I’d like to think I’m not the only one who disagrees with the notion that age gap relationships are inherently wrong or toxic. So, I reached out to individuals across different generations in Singapore to find out if public perception remains the same or has changed with the times.
Sue B, 37, firmly states that age differences in relationships vary and there’s no “one-size-fits-all ‘acceptable range’”. Rosie Lee, who’s in her 50s, believes an age gap of two to three years is safe “just so there’s something in common”. “But if you’re looking for a sugar daddy, 20 years is fine,” she quips. 37-year-old Mayer Brown doesn’t mind the disparity so long as the other party is not within their parents’ age ranges.
When asked whether society’s perception of age gaps has evolved, most respond in the affirmative. Simon Wen, 45, thinks it’s due to people trying to be more inclusive, and Sue concurs. She opines that compared to yesteryear, people today may feel less constrained by age-related relationship expectations. “All norms based on tradition are now a thing of the past,” Rosie adds.
However, Anjali Krishna, 22, feels only millennials and Gen Z share this outlook; according to her, boomers and earlier generations disapprove of age gap relationships because there may be an imbalance or unequal footing between the couples. Mayer counters Anjali’s claim, saying TikTok has made everything “paedo-coded”.
“Thanks to the internet and dating horror stories, older people can’t date younger people compared to years back when dating someone of a young age was acceptable,” 26-year-old Hairul Jamaluddin states. “In reality, I’d say dating a young person is similar to dating someone close to your age.”
Age is no guarantee of maturity
At this point, I suppose it’s time to address the elephant in the room: why did I get together with my partners despite the age gaps? Simply put, my significant others displayed a maturity far beyond their chronological age. That, to me, really drives home the point that age is just a number that doesn’t necessarily equate to maturity. The reasoning remains the same even when the other party is slightly younger or older than me.
While I count myself blessed, others are not as lucky. Mayer was previously together with someone who was nine years older than them. “She had the mentality and emotional bandwidth of a secondary school child. She was just super jealous and unreasonable, and the relationship became extremely toxic,” they tell me. “I turned into a highly cautious person: always watching where I step and overthinking before I say anything.”
That’s another misconception I’ve observed about our society – the older partner is automatically assumed to be the mature one. Unfortunately (or fortunately), that isn’t typically the case. Some younger people are wiser beyond their years, and on the flip side, there are older folks who have yet to discover the depths of wisdom that life has to offer. Age is no strict indicator of the profound insights one can attain, as wisdom transcends the boundaries of chronological years.
No calculators required – all you need is love
Undeniably, age gap relationships are more pronounced when you first get together with your partner. There may be things like pop culture references and historical events that either of you won’t understand and have to play catch-up. Internet memes, TikTok dances, the Britney pop girlie era, meeting family and friends… but that’s the beauty of learning about and from each other. If not for my partners, I wouldn’t have known about Hi-5, Ina Garten, and the feud between two famous Malaysian singers. In return, they discovered repressed emotions, generational trauma, and financial prudence. It’s a win-win situation.
In the intricate dance between age, love, and societal judgments, it’s clear that there’s no all-encompassing perspective on age gap relationships. As we challenge preconceived notions and engage in conversations that transcend generational boundaries, it becomes apparent that the dynamics of love are as diverse as the individuals involved.
So, whether you find yourself in a partnership with a significant age difference or cheering on others defying social norms, perhaps it’s time to reevaluate the narratives we’ve constructed around age and relationships. After all, in matters of the heart, age is only a small chapter in a much larger story – uniquely written by every couple, regardless of the years separating them. As they say, ultimately, love is love.
