When does family become toxic? Here’s what to do if you don’t approve of who your loved one dates.
Chances are, you’ve been there. It’s a family party, perhaps your birthday. A relative walks in and you’re dying to catch up with them. Following close behind: the partner you loathe. What do you do? Fake a smile and tolerate them being in your birthday pictures forever? Passive aggressively let your family member know you don’t get along with their partner and this person just isn’t the one? I’ve got some experience in this department – here’s how you can deal with the situation.
What to do when you don’t get along with your family member’s partner
1. Nobody likes to be controlled
You see it from the jump-off. Perhaps this girl has too strong a personality. Your brother has changed the way he dresses because of her. It’s clear she’s the dominant decision-maker in the relationship. He constantly has to check back with her about things.
How do you counter this? As a family member, you need to stop looking at him as your “little boy” or “baby brother”. Men want to be seen as strong and capable. Just ask Prince Harry. Having your family nag you is never appealing. Highlighting that his girlfriend is controlling makes it clear you think he’s dense enough to be controlled. And if you’re the one in control, the girlfriend will sense this, and the power struggle ensues. This is a marathon, not a sprint, my friend. My tip is to release the reins. If that means he chooses his girlfriend over family, so be it. Let her call the shots… for now.
2. Say no to drama, mama
Ah, new love. It’s the time when your vision is so tunnelled, all you have space for is each other. Family, what family? Ask yourself, do you really miss him or are you just being territorial? If you truly miss having him around, accept that you have to invite his girlfriend and be genuine about it!
A family gathering is often where you size the significant other up. I’ve been at friends’ family gatherings where they were nice to the girl’s face, but once she left, it was a free-for-all slime fest. I realised the girl didn’t stand a chance – the mother, in particular, had made up her mind and led the slander party.
“She didn’t talk to anyone!”
“Did you see I had to serve her a drink?”
“She took so much food and didn’t finish it!”
It’s a crappy feeling. At the end of the day, no one deserves to be made to feel uncomfortable. Plus, you’re not pointing out how poorly this guest behaved. Instead, you’re highlighting what a mean host you are. If you’re constantly pointing out the person’s flaws and being negative about a new relationship, you’re naturally going to force him to stand up for her, pushing him further away.
3. If you have nothing nice to say, zip it
Most of us have been put in that position, where one half of a troubled couple calls you to be their sounding board. This is usually just after an explosive fight that may or may not have ended in a premature break-up. I’ve been there, and like a good friend, I ran through the checklist.
“You’re too good for him!”
“He had serious issues he needed to work out before getting into a relationship.”
“You don’t have a loser holding you back anymore!”
Alas! Less than 48 hours later, they were back together. Whatever you’ve said has now made it back to their significant other.
What I’ve learnt from this: understand that when a fight has just taken place, no one calls for advice and is genuinely open to taking it. 99% of people call hoping you echo their feelings and join them in the rant. You may have the best intentions of defusing the situation by dispensing what you deem as unbiased advice. However, the one critical thing you say will be the only takeaway.
Whatever you said will likely be used against you, undoing any relationship you’ve built. In some cases, the guy would be smart enough to see you never really liked his partner and was just waiting for a break-up to happen. Even if the relationship ended years ago and he’s found a new girlfriend, never say you didn’t like his ex. I assure you the conversation will never be about how bad his ex was. Rather, it’d be about you – and if you ever liked any of his partners.
So, you’ve followed all the tips but they’re still together! Now what?
My husband and I dated for about five years before getting married. In that time there was every “red flag” scenario you can imagine. Addiction, financial issues, cheating, disapproval from our families… our friends were sick of the drama.
My mother banished him from coming over, and for the first time at 27, I had to lie to my parents about seeing a guy. That was when my husband started to make changes, becoming sober and working on himself. My parents didn’t know about this, of course, because we were supposedly “broken up”.
I’d still casually mention him and say we were just friends. I wasn’t looking for anyone. That’s when my father did the biggest thing you could do: he accepted it. Why tell me who I can and cannot go out with? Why make things uncomfortable for all sides? They knew I was lying; I knew they knew. I told my father that K.C., my boyfriend at the time and now husband, wanted to meet him and my mum to apologise for things. My dad was all for it, while my mother was hesitant. We met, had dinner, apologies were made, and the slate was cleaned.
You may think a person isn’t right or meant for another, but always remember, you aren’t in that relationship. You know your family member as just that: a son, a brother, or a cousin you drink and have fun with. You’ll never know them as a life partner. Sometimes, the best thing to do is skip all three tips above and just land on acceptance. You attract more flies with honey, as they say.
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