So you're considering a divorce – but are you ready to do it? Here are some things you need to consider before going through a divorce in Hong Kong.
The marriage landscape in Hong Kong (and across the world) is constantly evolving. And while there may be numerous social and economic reasons behind separation, divorce, at its crux, is a personal and often turbulent experience between two people. Regardless of the length of the marriage, the financial involvement, and the presence of kids, taking the first steps in pursuing the end of a relationship is never an easy one. So today, we ask three experts about divorce in Hong Kong: what are some signs that it’s time to separate? Do I need to give this relationship one last chance? How do I prepare for the divorce process?
Preparing for divorce in Hong Kong
Valentina Tudose, Relationship Coach
We’re raised to believe love is “magical,” but the reality is that successful relationships require work. So, difficulties in a relationship don’t necessarily mean it’s time to tap out; they simply mean you need to figure out what’s causing the problem, and if it’s solvable or unsolvable. Having said that, there are times that separation and divorce are inevitable. Below are some pointers that can help you find out if a divorce is the suitable course of action for you:
1. Constant conflict: “All we did was fight!”
When the only shared experience you have as a couple is fighting, things are not looking good. While the right kind of arguments can contribute to the growth of a relationship, consistent, intense, and unresolved fights are just expressions of your anger and disappointment at not having your needs met.
2. Irreconcilable differences: “We no longer had anything in common.”
When you and your partner grow apart instead of together, it can be a clear indication that it’s time to move on.
3. Boredom: “I don’t feel that anything about him excites me anymore.”
Although not always directly related to your relationship, boredom and feeling disconnected from your partner are good indications you have lost the excitement that made this relationship worthwhile.
4. Emotional distance: “We don’t have any meaningful conversations anymore.”
What people normally describe as “lack of communication” often has significant roots and a more powerful impact. If your conversations are limited to “what will you have for dinner” and scheduling playdates, it might be time to revaluate the relationship.
5. Cheating: “It was almost a relief when my wife found out I was having an affair. I guess I wanted to get caught.”
Affairs are, of course, the classic indicator that things are not going well. Monogamy and sexual bonding are ways we define the importance of our primary relationship, so any type of outside connection (sometimes even only emotional in nature) takes away the very uniqueness of that relationship. Very often, when a relationship has reached the end of the line, we unconsciously want to end it, but don’t know how to do so without hurting ourselves and our partner. While you may be able to overcome cheating as a couple, be sure to tackle the underlying issues, otherwise a separation might be the best course of action.
If you are thinking about giving your relationship one last chance, do consider working with a relationship coach as they focus on creating a new relationship agreement rather than trying to “fix the past.” A couples therapist or a marriage counsellor may also give you a space to deepen the bond by facilitating intimacy and developing communications skills. Ultimately, consulting a professional, unbiased third party together can help you to work through your unmet needs that led to you questioning your relationship in the first place.
Need sex advice? Read our series of Pillowtalk articles featuring Valentina Tudose.
Jocelyn Tsao, Family Lawyer
There’s no single answer to whether someone is ready to get a divorce. Having been a family lawyer for over a decade, I can tell you one thing: when two persons have shared their lives with each other and formed a family together, whether to leave a marriage is often not just a matter of emotions, but practical considerations such as financial security and how it may impact the children. I’m in no position to give relationship advice, but I’d usually ask clients during their first consultation meetings with me, whether or not they’ve explored marriage counselling; and whether their reasons for divorce were stemming from issues involving a third party, or worse, domestic abuse or violence. From my observation, I find that it’s generally very difficult for couples to rebuild a relationship after a betrayal of trust (although not impossible).
Some people might not be entirely sure whether to proceed with a divorce, although they both recognise that continuing to live with each other will only cause more conflicts and arguments. In those cases, they may try a period of separation to cool off and decide what’s best for them. To safeguard their interests, they can sign an agreement to set out what the arrangements should be during separation – both in terms of financial support and the children’s arrangements.
Lastly, progressing through a divorce in Hong Kong is no easy feat – it requires high emotional readiness. Once, I had to turn down a client’s request for divorce as she was struggling emotionally; instead, I suggested a trusted therapist to help her regain strength and independence before continuing with the proceedings. In just over half a year, she returned far more resilient and ready to go through the divorce process.
Find out more about Jocelyn Tsao.
Antonia Basile Wilson, Divorce Consultant
One of the biggest steps you need to take if you’re ready for a divorce in Hong Kong is considering the financial components and implications of the divorce process. This is critical for protecting yourself, while you deal with the emotional, social, and legal consequences of your decision. So, here are some of the key ways to financially prepare for a divorce:
1. Educate yourself on the divorce process
Before you dive into the complications and options available in the divorce process, take a deep breath. It can seem overwhelming, but it’s important to learn the basics and understand what’s best suited for your personal and financial situation. How you proceed with your divorce and what it’ll cost you are major considerations when preparing for a divorce. After all, the more you spend on your divorce, the less money you’ll have to care for your loved ones and to start your new life. Litigation has the highest financial (and emotional) costs, for instance…!
2. Understand your own finances
Understanding your own finances is crucial. Do some research and start familiarising yourself with your finances such as what your partner owns, what you both jointly own, and what you personally own. Make lists of all your assets, debts (and their values), and all the income you and your spouse earn.
3. Organise your finances
Once you’ve decided that divorce is the option for you, organising your finances before starting the separation process will save you a lot of hassle. Start gathering financial information such as mortgage statements, insurance policies, retirement or pension plans, and tax returns. If don’t already have bank accounts or credit cards under your own name, then you should make them now. You should also consider putting some money aside in your personal account to be able to pay for any divorce-related or other future expenses. Finally, try to keep a record of you and your children’s expenses in the lead-up to the divorce. Hold on to receipts and credit card statements, so that you can provide evidence for your family expenditures if necessary.
Find out more about Antonia Basile Wilson.
