With abortion being the hot topic because of what’s going on in the US regarding Roe v Wade, I sought out a few women in Singapore about their experiences.
By now, you would’ve heard about the US Supreme Court’s verdict on 24 June to overturn the 1973 Roe v Wade ruling that recognised women’s right to have an abortion. It sparked an uproar in America and reactions of disbelief around the world. We’ve seen Hollywood stars share their abortion stories and, closer to home, I’ve heard plenty of strong opinions on abortions in Singapore.
My body, my choice, my right
We should have full rights over any decision made concerning our bodies. So the thought that someone, least of all the government, has a say? Frightful. It’s clearly a divisive issue around the world, which made me think about Singapore’s stance on abortion.
According to the Ministry of Health, there were 4,029 abortions done in 2020, but no reasons were stated. In Singapore, there’s no legal age to have an abortion, but you do need to see a doctor and undergo counselling. The rules are slightly different for expats opting to terminate their pregnancy, though. You must reside here for at least four months, be married to a Singapore citizen or hold PR status, or have either spouse hold a valid work permit. However, if it’s a case to save the mother’s life, an abortion would be carried out.
Apparently, we were also one of the first countries in Asia to legalise abortions in 1969. So I’d say we have pretty progressive rules when it comes to reproductive rights.
Abortion may be about choosing yourself, but is it selfish?
I spoke to three women (all names have been changed) of different races and religions, all of whom have had abortions, to find out their reasons and feelings.
Linda is 67, single, and without child. Growing up as one of five children, she saw how hard her parents, aunts and uncles worked to support their families. She describes their lifestyle as living with a “kampong” mentality, where everyone shared what they made for a living. Although she has fond childhood memories, what stuck with her through the years was her mother’s constant fatigue.
She tells me she “just [had] no feeling for kids”. And when she got married at 23, her husband didn’t want children either. But, five years into the marriage, she got pregnant even though she was on birth control at the time. Her husband took it as a sign that they were destined to be parents, but Linda’s mind was made up. She didn’t want children and wanted to abort, a decision her now-ex couldn’t support.
“I wasn’t going to let anyone pressure me into doing something I knew I didn’t want. They all said once you hold the baby you’ll feel different. But what if I didn’t?”
Nevertheless, after the abortion, she felt lost and depressed. “I didn’t understand why no one understood me or cared about my happiness. My husband knew I didn’t want children, my friends knew, my parents knew,” she says. “Yet my mother said if I went through with the abortion, she’d disown me. Which is ironic – you don’t want me, but I don’t want this child.”
With the help of a few close friends and a lot of personal mental strength, Linda came out on the other side. Now a self-proclaimed “God’s gift to the children” type of aunt, she has 11 nieces and nephews. For one week every school holiday, she takes them off their parents’ hands.
“Having all of them together reminds me of my childhood. Trust me, one week with 11 kids reminds me how happy I am not to have any,” she says. “I’m very strong in my belief: do something because you want to – not to please others. This applies not just to women, but also to men and children. I could’ve had the baby, and my kampong would step up to help, but you shouldn’t have a baby to please people.”
Facing an abortion vs staying in an abusive marriage
Gayle, a 32-year-old mother of one, went through feelings of guilt for not realising earlier she had married the wrong person. “I already had a child when my marriage turned abusive. When I found out I was pregnant again, I knew I couldn’t bring a child into this,” she tells me.
Ordinarily, she’d have welcomed the thought of having a second child. But she wasn’t in the best place mentally. Unable to leave her abusive marriage, her motherly instincts kicked in for her unborn child. She knew that, until she could get herself and her firstborn into a safe and stable environment, she couldn’t bear bringing another life into the world.
“I cried the whole way as I was wheeled in. I asked the doctor to be gentle with me. I just couldn’t stop saying sorry,” she reflects. While Gayle says it was the most traumatic thing she’s ever experienced, she believes it was the best decision for everyone involved.
“My unborn baby saved not just my life but my daughter’s as well. If I had the child, I know it would’ve been that much more difficult to leave my marriage. My self-esteem and mental health would’ve been beyond repair and I’d be the worst mother to two children who deserve the best version of anyone in their lives,” she says.
Holding on to faith
As for Sarah, a 38-year-old mother of two girls, she’s a strong believer in her faith. Yet at 27, she made a decision that divided her family and saw her losing her friends.
She and her husband had been trying for almost two years before they found out they were pregnant. However, the happy news soon turned grim. Early on, in their check-ups, they were told the baby wasn’t developing properly and there were issues with the heart.
“We never had the “what if” talk. It just never crossed our mind we’d have anything other than a healthy child,” she says.
This was something I personally related to deeply. When my husband and I were trying to get pregnant, we played the “what if” game. We both agreed that should the baby require long-term care and couldn’t be provided with the best kind of life, we’d terminate the pregnancy.
Ultimately, that was the same choice Sarah and her husband made. “My mother still hasn’t come to terms with it… [there’s] too much judgement [from others]. But I tell my daughters they have an angel sibling. It’s nothing I’d hide. I’m not ashamed of my choice,” she says. “Although we had strong family support who were willing to help out, as parents we wouldn’t be at our best. If I had my first child, I’d probably stop at one and not have my beautiful second and third babies.”
“In the faith, we always hear: God will not give you more than you can handle; God will provide. I have no doubt he will, but I couldn’t,” she explains, telling me she eventually felt peace with the knowledge her child wouldn’t have to suffer a lifetime of medical treatments.
Why is abortion still a taboo topic?
Even though these three courageous women stepped forward to share their abortion stories, none of them was comfortable enough to show their faces or give their real names. Why didn’t they want to share their full identity? They all agreed that abortion should be talked about more and people need to be educated about the choice, because the stigma is still very much prevalent.
Sarah is open and honest with her daughters but worries her workplace won’t look kindly on her. Not everyone in Linda’s family is aware of the reason she got a divorce. She fears she may not be able to see her nieces because their parents may think her views are too radical.
Whatever the case, it’s every woman’s right to know she has choices. And, above all, know that the choice is hers to make.
If you need more information on abortions in Singapore, visit this guide by Aware. The organisation also runs a Women’s Helpline at 1800 777 5555. Babes Pregnancy Crisis Support is another non-profit offering support and resources for pregnant teenagers.