{"id":297153,"date":"2024-06-27T18:22:11","date_gmt":"2024-06-27T10:22:11","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/thehoneycombers.com\/singapore\/?p=297153"},"modified":"2024-06-27T18:22:11","modified_gmt":"2024-06-27T10:22:11","slug":"ethical-non-monogamy","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/thehoneycombers.com\/singapore\/ethical-non-monogamy\/","title":{"rendered":"One, two, three, not only you and me: The unexpected perks and pleasures of ethical non-monogamy"},"content":{"rendered":"

For the longest time, relationships<\/a> were made for two people: it\u2019s just you and your partner against the world. Nowadays, we can safely say that you can throw that rule book out the window. In the modern dating world, it seems like more people are opening up to ethical non-monogamy, where you can romantically get together with more than one person. But how does that work exactly, and is it something that\u2019s here to stay or just a fleeting dating trend<\/a> people are jumping on board with?<\/p>\n

Counting one, two, three\u2026<\/h3>\n
\"Ethical
Photography: Markus Winkler via Pexels<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

If you\u2019re a pop music aficionado like me, you\u2019ll remember the Britney Spears classic 3<\/a>, where she sings about \u201cgetting down with 3P\u201d. That\u2019s the basic gist of ethical non-monogamy (ENM for short; also known as consensual non-monogamy). These relationships aren\u2019t exclusive to two individuals, and consent is required from all parties before more are added into the mix. The idea may be alluring \u2013 I\u2019ve thought about it too \u2013 but the logistics seem tricky. So why do people still sign up for it?<\/p>\n

According to Archie, 43, a software engineer and co-founder of Polyamory SG<\/a>, many folks are exploring the alternative concept because it emphasises integrity through honesty, communication, and mutual respect. The caveat is that it\u2019s \u201cdefinitely more difficult and challenging than cheating\u201d.<\/p>\n

While the practice has taken off in the Western world, Singaporeans (and Asians generally) are less receptive. In a 2023 poll conducted by Bumble, most are neutral about non-monogamous couplings. Andrea Tan, the dating app<\/a>\u2019s sex and relationships coach, cites a lack of awareness and education as primary factors.<\/p>\n

\u201cWith one in five of those polled agreeing that ethical non-monogamy is the way of the future, our survey indicates that Singaporeans are increasingly more open-minded to relationship styles outside of the traditional,\u201d she states.<\/p>\n

What constitutes ethical non-monogamous relationships? Well, there are many arrangements. These include open relationships (getting together with others romantically or sexually without deep emotional bonds), polyamory (having multiple liaisons simultaneously, with the knowledge and consent of everyone involved), and swinging (engaging in sexual activities with others, often in a party or group setting). Each structure offers different ways to navigate love and relationships, catering to diverse needs, preferences, and values.<\/p>\n

Merrier the more<\/h3>\n
\"Ethical
Photography: kevin laminto via Unsplash<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

During my deep dive into this topic, I discovered that men are “slightly more likely to endorse the idea of ethical non-monogamy\u201d. Why is that so? Andrea observes that traditional gender norms often associate having multiple past or present partners with masculinity, which could influence men’s attitudes more favourably.<\/p>\n

Archie\u2019s co-founder Janiqueel, 33, a writer, concurs: \u201cIt might stem from societal norms that traditionally grant men more sexual freedom. Men may also feel less social stigma when exploring multiple relationships.\u201d Oh, men.<\/p>\n

But the desire isn\u2019t limited to men \u2013 both genders are equally open to the idea. This is attributed to the desire to explore new relationships and\/or sexual dynamics with multiple partners in a healthy and open manner. It\u2019s just that women are less likely to talk about it. \u201cMen seem to feel more comfortable discussing their personal relationship choices, while women, particularly in Asian societies, tend to feel more stigmatised,\u201d Archie shares.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s not just a battle of the sexes: demographic cohorts have differing views on ethical non-monogamy too. Tinder\u2019s Future of Dating 2023 report<\/a> highlights that Gen Z is more receptive to non-monogamous arrangements. According to Dr Angela Tan, the Academy of Relationships and Sex<\/a>\u2019s co-founder and intimacy coach, this is probably due to millennials growing up in a conservative society. \u201cEven if they might be keen to practise ENM, they have to grapple with beliefs still held by their peers and may not choose to publicly make it known.\u201d<\/p>\n

Archie, however, begs to differ: results from Polyamory SG\u2019s community survey indicate that interest in ethical non-monogamy isn’t limited to the younger generation. \u201cWhile it’s true that younger people are often more open to exploring non-traditional relationship structures, 30% of our respondents are over 50. This shows that the concept appeals to all age groups,\u201d he shares.<\/p>\n

What we do is innocent<\/h3>\n
\"Ethical
Photography: Freepik<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

Despite the growing positive reception, ethical non-monogamy still has a long way to go before it becomes mainstream. This is largely due to the misconceptions. \u201cThey believe ENM is just about sex, that it lacks commitment, or that it leads to jealousy and insecurity. In reality, ENM requires strong communication and emotional maturity,\u201d Janiqueel explains.<\/p>\n

Archie adds, \u201cMany mistakenly assume it\u2019s just a mask we wear to escape reality, thinking that non-monogamy will never work and is just a fairy tale. This misunderstanding overlooks the genuine and heartfelt commitment individuals in non-monogamous relationships have to their chosen lifestyle.\u201d<\/p>\n

It doesn\u2019t help that media representations have been mixed. \u201c\u200b\u200bThey\u2019ve both bolstered and hindered public understanding. It depends on the bias,\u201d Archie says. The recent sports romance Challengers<\/a> may have oversold the idea of three people in a relationship, whether intentional or otherwise. On the other hand, Big Love, an award-winning 2006 American drama about a practising polygamist with five wives, provided a more nuanced portrayal. Overall, positive depictions are becoming more common.<\/p>\n

Let\u2019s make a team<\/h3>\n
\"Ethical
Photography: pressfoto via Freepik<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

So, you think you\u2019re ready to delve into ethical non-monogamy. What\u2019s next? If you\u2019re in a relationship, it\u2019s important to communicate your desire with your significant other. Discuss the aspects that scare and concern you the most. Both parties should fully understand what it entails and the responsibilities it carries. That said, your partner may not be keen on the arrangement, which is perfectly understandable. Be prepared to accept that.<\/p>\n

Next, establish boundaries \u2013 agree on ground rules, if you will. Archie suggests having regular check-ins to see whether they\u2019re working or require adjustments as the relationships evolve.<\/p>\n

Jealousy is completely unavoidable. \u201cYou may inevitably feel it at some point, as the person you care about is also showing romantic care to someone else. Coping means embracing \u2013 not erasing \u2013 the feeling,\u201d Andrea says. She proposes that couples share some simple things they can ask of their partner when feeling jealous or uncomfortable. This can help soothe anxiety.<\/p>\n

\u201cAt all times, do allow yourself and your partner compassion when working through jealousy triggers because many of us still experience them in various stages of our relationship. Be open and honest about your feelings, and make an effort to dedicate quality time with one another!\u201d<\/p>\n

Is it possible for those practising ethical non-monogamy to change their mind and revert to monogamy? Definitely. Relationship preferences are fluid, and some may find that monogamy suits them better at different stages of life. Interestingly, Archie claims it’s more common for monogamous people who\u2019ve tried polyamory to change their minds. \u201cIf you’re truly polyamorous, you can’t just change it, even if you want to.\u201d<\/p>\n

Three (or more) is a charm<\/h3>\n
\"Ethical
Photography: Freepik<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

Ngl, navigating multiple relationships sounds like a lot of work. Is it worth it in the long run? Believe it or not, there are unexpected benefits to being in a polyamorous relationship. Archie declares it has taught him to be less possessive and more generous. \u201cOver time, it helps you see and experience yourself from a much broader perspective. You experience who you truly are and see your significant other from new and exciting viewpoints,\u201d he explains.<\/p>\n

However, ethical non-monogamy demands significant time and emotional investment, as managing multiple relationships can be complex and exhausting. The complexities and potential for jealousy might seem overwhelming. Social stigma and misunderstanding surrounding the concept can also be a significant hurdle – not everyone is open to or accepting of non-traditional relationship structures. It’s important to recognise that while the arrangement can be fulfilling for some, others find deep satisfaction in the stability and exclusivity of traditional monogamy. Understanding and respecting individual preferences and boundaries is key.<\/p>\n

So, whether you\u2019re curious about ethical non-monogamy or you’re seeking to understand it better, remember that every relationship is unique. What matters most is finding what works best for you and your partners, ensuring that everyone involved feels respected, valued, and loved.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

For the longest time, relationships were made for two people: it\u2019s just you and your partner against the world. Nowadays, we can safely say that you can throw that rule book out the window. In the modern dating world, it seems like more people are opening up to ethical non-monogamy, where you can romantically get […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":107587,"featured_media":297160,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false},"categories":[25084],"tags":[120526,145601],"acf":[],"yoast_head":"\nEthical non-monogamy: A concept in modern dating | Honeycombers<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Modern dating has introduced many new concepts, like ethical non-monogamy. Curious about the arrangement? 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As our Senior Lifestyle Writer (and proud personality hire), Sufyan chases the city's tastiest eats & buzziest happenings, and plots his next travel escape. He\u2019s a relapsed workaholic who claims classical music keeps him sharp (the jury's still out). 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