{"id":278217,"date":"2023-07-28T15:00:46","date_gmt":"2023-07-28T07:00:46","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/thehoneycombers.com\/singapore\/?p=278217"},"modified":"2024-12-11T15:04:16","modified_gmt":"2024-12-11T07:04:16","slug":"the-power-of-male-friendships","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/thehoneycombers.com\/singapore\/the-power-of-male-friendships\/","title":{"rendered":"Want your good bromance: A look back on my longest male friendship, which survived distance, Covid-19, and two overseas trips"},"content":{"rendered":"

\u201cFriendship never ends!\u201d The Spice Girls jubilantly declared, as they stormed a bohemian party<\/a> and wreaked havoc. When I first heard that affirmation, I was impressed. The proclamation stayed with me for so long; I genuinely thought the friends I\u2019d make throughout my life would be my ride or die\u2026 well, till I die. But everyone knows that\u2019s not true, and it\u2019s harder to make friends as we grow older<\/a>.<\/p>\n

Gender plays a part in friendships, particularly in my case. Most of my closest friends are women; we\u2019ve been through a lot together. It\u2019s much harder for me to make friends with men because of bad adolescent experiences. I was bullied during my secondary school years, just because I didn\u2019t \u201cbehave like a boy should\u201d and \u201conly had female friends\u201d. That crystallised my demeanour towards men in general and it\u2019s why I don\u2019t have a lot of male friends in my life.<\/p>\n

Apparently, my experience is not exclusive. According to American psychologist and researcher Niobe Way, who authored the book Deep Secrets: Boys\u2019 Friendships and the Crisis of Connection, teenage boys tend to perceive friendships differently.<\/p>\n

\u201cBoys know by late adolescence that their close male friendships, and even their emotional acuity, put them at risk of being labelled girly, immature, or gay. Thus, rather than focusing on who they are, they become obsessed with who they are not \u2013 they are not girls, little boys nor, in the case of heterosexual boys, are they gay,\u201d Niobe states in her book.<\/p>\n

She adds: \u201cIn response to a cultural context that links intimacy in male friendships with an age, a sex (female), and a sexuality (gay), these boys mature into men who are autonomous, emotionally stoic, and isolated.\u201d<\/p>\n

The problem with male friendships<\/h3>\n
\"Male
Photography: RDNE Stock Project via Pexels<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

This perspective among men tends to follow them into adulthood. A study conducted by the Survey Centre on American Life<\/a> in 2021 found a \u201cfriendship recession\u201d among men. Of the menfolk polled, 15% said they don\u2019t have any close friends. It gets worse \u2013 those who do reported not being emotionally connected to them. These findings are disconcerting to me, although I\u2019m not entirely surprised.<\/p>\n

Based on my observation, there\u2019s a striking difference between male and female friendships. Generally, men are less likely to show vulnerability, and because of that, their friendships tend to be more superficial. They don\u2019t know how to level up from only doing things together and talking about things like work and sports to broaching sensitive topics. It doesn\u2019t help that male friendships are often portrayed as such in the media. Entourage, I\u2019m looking at you.<\/p>\n

In comparison, women are more open to discussing almost anything: boy troubles<\/a>, the best (and worst) sex<\/a> they\u2019ve had, career problems<\/a>, and even their period<\/a> cycles. Nothing is too much \u2013 or too taboo \u2013 to converse about. Because of that, women tend to be more emotionally intimate with each other. That\u2019s not to say that all women are unguarded or all men are emotionally closed off. However, more often than not, the stereotypes tend to be true.<\/p>\n

We\u2019re going to be friends<\/h3>\n
\"Male
Our love language is food, so we often eat out and take photos of food. Photography: Sufyan Saad<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

While I count several women as my good friends, I do have a few male friends. And out of all the men in my life, I consider C my closest friend. We\u2019ve known each other for over a decade, and our relationship has been through a lot.<\/p>\n

Back in 2010, a mutual friend briefly introduced us during a dinner outing, though it wasn\u2019t an immediate connection. It was only after a few more group hangs and one-on-one time during those outings that we clicked. We eventually ditched that friend group and hung out, just the two of us. We\u2019d text random things, meet for meals, and occasionally party together. I recall going to a club<\/a> once after he had his wisdom teeth extracted a few days before! Ah, back when we were young, wild, and free. Our friendship blossomed comfortably.<\/p>\n

Besides having fun, C also taught me to be responsible for myself. When he asked me to accompany him to an anonymous sexual health testing<\/a>, I said yes without hesitation. He was anxious while waiting for the results, so I kept the mood light by making a fool of myself to keep him preoccupied and entertained. I still go for the check-ups annually, though I\u2019m all by myself nowadays. Why alone? Well, you must be wondering: where did C go?<\/p>\n

As our lives change, come whatever\u2026<\/h3>\n
\"Male
We visited Bondi Beach during our first trip to Sydney. Photography: Sufyan Saad<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

Around late 2013, C informed me he was migrating to Australia<\/a>. I won\u2019t lie \u2013 I was devastated. I selfishly wanted him to remain in Singapore just so he could be here with me physically and emotionally. It took a few months before I finally made peace with his choice. He\u2019s doing it for his sake, and who am I to stop it? I was excited about the prospect of visiting him once he settled in his new home.<\/p>\n

Apart from the physical distance and time difference, our friendship remained the same the years after his move. We constantly kept tabs on each other, and I finally made good on my promise to visit him. It was my first time in Australia too, making it all the more special. I stayed in his home for a week (thanks C, for putting up with me!) before we travelled to Sydney<\/a>. That\u2019s another milestone in our friendship.<\/p>\n

Okay, maybe the Sydney visit didn\u2019t count since it\u2019s a new travel destination<\/a> for me, while it\u2019s like a journey from Tampines<\/a> to Bukit Panjang for him. Our \u2018first proper\u2019 overseas trip was to Taiwan in 2018. Of course, not everything went smoothly.<\/p>\n

You know the saying, \u201cIf you really want to know someone, travel with them\u201d? I\u2019ve always known C can be quirky, but imagine putting up with it all day and in a foreign country. Did I get irritated? Undeniably, especially when I was tired. Did that holiday affect our relationship? Of course not. I loved him for his idiosyncrasies, and while the trip did expose our shortcomings, it also highlighted that our friendship\u2019s all G. In fact, we\u2019re planning another vacation again.<\/p>\n

You can stand under my umbrella<\/h3>\n
\"Male
My long-awaited return to Australia and seeing C again! Photography: Sufyan Saad<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

Remember Covid-19? That did a number on all of us: the world was on lockdown, and most of us weren\u2019t coping well mentally. C and I weren\u2019t doing so hot either. After texting to check on each other, he suggested a video call for a proper chat. Truthfully, I wasn\u2019t on board with the idea initially. I despise calls (I still do), and I was unsure what we could talk about during the call. However, looking back, it was something our friendship needed.<\/p>\n

The pandemic brought us even closer together. We came clean about our mental health struggles<\/a> and promised to look out for each other as best as possible. I learned to be more empathetic and brought down my emotional walls. C taught me that vulnerability is not a sign of weakness; he was another reason I wanted to seek professional help<\/a>. When I told him about my recent breakup<\/a>, I didn\u2019t expect the tears he\u2019d shed, which got me sobbing too. It speaks volumes when someone cries with you as you grieve for your loss. My heart ached because I couldn\u2019t tell these things to C physically. I sorely wished the pandemic was just a fever dream.<\/p>\n

As Covid-19 died down and the prospect of travel loomed, I told C my intention to visit him. Over several months, we discussed dates and flight tickets, and soon enough, I was back in Australia again. Seeing him in the flesh again made me emotional. As much as all of us hated the pandemic and what it had brought on, I appreciated the silver lining behind it. Through weekly video calls and constant text messages, our friendship transcended to another level. We\u2019re more than friends now \u2013 we\u2019ve forged a life-long brotherhood.<\/p>\n

I\u2019ll be there for you<\/h3>\n
\"Male
Photography: Thiago Barletta via Unsplash<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

For the longest time, male friendships have been perceived as surface-level relationships devoid of emotional intimacy. Men, that shouldn\u2019t be the case. Let\u2019s stop giving in to societal expectations and be willing and open to put in the work with our platonic relationships. There\u2019s nothing embarrassing about being sensitive and honest. It might even encourage your friends to do the same too. While I won\u2019t (and can\u2019t) speak for everyone, it worked wonders for me.<\/p>\n

When I told C I was writing this piece, I added that I hoped he\u2019d like it since it\u2019s about him. \u201cI\u2019ll like it no matter what,\u201d he confidently told me. This stressed me further because I wanted to do right by him. Plus, I\u2019m more comfortable writing down my feelings and wanted to ensure I didn\u2019t miss anything regarding our friendship.<\/p>\n

C, you\u2019re obviously reading this (congratulations for making it all the way to the end!). As we try to remember how we became friends, I just want to say how blessed I am to have you in my life. Thank you for being patient with me despite my sarcasm and immaturity. I truly cherish all the words of wisdom you\u2019ve imparted. You\u2019re my biggest supporter, as I am yours, and I appreciate you for sticking by me through the good and bad times. I love you, and I\u2019m proud to call you my friend. May our friendship last till our dying days.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

\u201cFriendship never ends!\u201d The Spice Girls jubilantly declared, as they stormed a bohemian party and wreaked havoc. When I first heard that affirmation, I was impressed. The proclamation stayed with me for so long; I genuinely thought the friends I\u2019d make throughout my life would be my ride or die\u2026 well, till I die. But […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":107587,"featured_media":278263,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false},"categories":[25084],"tags":[145723,145724],"acf":[],"yoast_head":"\nMale friendships: Time to break down the stereotypes | Honeycombers<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"What makes male friendships different? 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As our Senior Lifestyle Writer (and proud personality hire), Sufyan chases the city's tastiest eats & buzziest happenings, and plots his next travel escape. He\u2019s a relapsed workaholic who claims classical music keeps him sharp (the jury's still out). For all else, Google him\u2026 but skip the part about his yuan yang and oat milk intake.","url":"https:\/\/thehoneycombers.com\/singapore\/author\/sufyan\/"}]}},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/thehoneycombers.com\/singapore\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/278217"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/thehoneycombers.com\/singapore\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/thehoneycombers.com\/singapore\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/thehoneycombers.com\/singapore\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/107587"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/thehoneycombers.com\/singapore\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=278217"}],"version-history":[{"count":4,"href":"https:\/\/thehoneycombers.com\/singapore\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/278217\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":309534,"href":"https:\/\/thehoneycombers.com\/singapore\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/278217\/revisions\/309534"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/thehoneycombers.com\/singapore\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/278263"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/thehoneycombers.com\/singapore\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=278217"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/thehoneycombers.com\/singapore\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=278217"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/thehoneycombers.com\/singapore\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=278217"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}