{"id":276271,"date":"2023-06-19T15:42:04","date_gmt":"2023-06-19T07:42:04","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/thehoneycombers.com\/singapore\/?p=276271"},"modified":"2023-06-19T15:42:04","modified_gmt":"2023-06-19T07:42:04","slug":"asexual-meaning-experiences-singapore","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/thehoneycombers.com\/singapore\/asexual-meaning-experiences-singapore\/","title":{"rendered":"They put the A in LGBTQIA: The meaning of asexuality and how someone with zero sexual urges navigates their love life"},"content":{"rendered":"

The new and modern world of dating<\/a> is a wonderful place. Sure, it might\u2019ve gotten a little complicated with all the new lingo floating around. Like \u201ccobwebbing\u201d, where you metaphorically dust off your list of old matches from your dating apps<\/a>. Or concepts like \u201csoft launching\u201d, where you post a photo showcasing your new beau without actually showing their face. But more dynamic conversations<\/a> covering various topics like sexuality<\/a>, gender identity, and alternative relationships create more welcoming spaces for exploration and discovery. We\u2019ve already talked about aromanticism<\/a>, now let\u2019s dive into another part of the greysexual spectrum \u2013 asexuality.<\/p>\n

What does it mean to be asexual?<\/h3>\n
\"asexuality
The asexual flag, for anyone who didn\u2019t know. Photography: Katie Rainbow via Pexels<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

In its simplest terms, asexuality is when someone experiences zero sexual desire. Like many sexual identities, there are several layers to asexuality and the experiences vary from person to person. Alexandra Bohnen, a senior counsellor at Sofia Wellness Clinic<\/a>, describes it as an umbrella term. There are asexuals who are repulsed by the idea of sex, and there are asexuals who simply don\u2019t crave physical intimacy. Asexuality can co-exist with trauma, but that\u2019s not always the reason a person identifies as such. Alexandra says that lacking sexual attraction may very well be just another part of human nature.<\/p>\n

For Addigni (not her real name), discovering her identity as an asexual aromantic was a process of elimination. After reading up on asexuality online, the 29-year-old found herself falling into the greysexual spectrum. \u201cI don\u2019t think I can even describe what sexual attraction feels like,\u201d she jokes playfully, explaining that she\u2019s not drawn to anyone in that way.<\/p>\n

However, the experience was more instinctive for 26-year-old Zoey (not her real name). Asking her how she knows she\u2019s asexual is like asking someone how they know they\u2019re gay. \u201cIt\u2019s not something you can explain away, it\u2019s something you know in your heart,\u201d she tells me. In her experience, despite having crushes on people she interacts with, she never sees herself sleeping with them.<\/p>\n

Let\u2019s play a (messy) love game<\/h3>\n
\"asexuality
Photography: Andrik Langfield via Unsplash<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

The biggest misunderstanding about asexuals is that they don\u2019t participate in sexual activity. While there is an absence of desire, this isn\u2019t the same as being celibate or practising abstinence, as Martine Hill, a counsellor at Alliance Counselling<\/a>, tells us. Unlike aromanticism, asexual people can still feel and seek out romantic relationships, sans the spicy bits because this element in a relationship isn\u2019t a priority for them. Some other misconceptions are that asexual people can’t form intimate relationships or don\u2019t seek out romantic affairs.<\/p>\n

With Addigni\u2019s asexual-aromantic identity, her ideal relationship is something that sits between a companion and a romantic partner. \u201cI want a perfectly platonic best friend,\u201d she says. Love comes from being each other\u2019s priority while keeping romance out of the equation. But there are understandably a lot of challenges in finding someone with the same expectations. \u201cIn some ways, it appears similar to a romantic relationship because it requires a deep level of care and affection. But for me, it remains platonic in nature,\u201d she explains.<\/p>\n

On the flip side, Zoey is an asexual who has dated many people on and off. She\u2019s been with her current partner for over five years. Unlike Addigni, Zoey sought people out with the intention to date them, but it hasn\u2019t been all smooth sailing. People often misunderstand what being asexual means, and this has become a sore spot for her.<\/p>\n

\u201cI can\u2019t count the number of times someone tried to convince me that I\u2019m asexual just because I haven\u2019t had life-changing sex,\u201d she sighs. This often leads to suggestions from potential partners that they could possibly \u201cfix her\u201d, which turns Zoey off from the conversation altogether. And really, who can blame her?<\/p>\n

Redefining love and intimacy<\/h3>\n
\"asexuality
Photography: Priscilla Du Preez via Unsplash<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

For a typical couple, being in a relationship encompasses a few things. Besides spending time on dates and having strong feelings of affection for each other, a relationship\u2019s progression often comes with intimacy. Conversations can go deeper than just the day-to-day grind. There are discussions of communication, love languages, and expectations as you spend extended periods of time together. Another defining element is sex, which is often the differentiating factor between platonic and romantic relationships. So what does a relationship look like when it misses one (supposed) key element?<\/p>\n

While Zoey is asexual, her partner is heterosexual. And for the most part, they have a fairly \u201cregular\u201d relationship. \u201cOur intimacy comes in the form of communication,\u201d she says, explaining that she and her partner know each other inside and out. Their relationship isn\u2019t completely sex-free though. \u201cPhysical intimacy is important to my partner. So even though I don\u2019t always have urges, we try to make time to fulfil his needs as well,\u201d she explains. Despite not having any sexual desires, Zoey still finds some pleasure in it. \u201cIt can be hard to grasp, but just because I don\u2019t desire sex doesn\u2019t mean I can\u2019t enjoy it,\u201d she explains.<\/p>\n

As Addigni recounts her experience of falling in love, she explains that there was never any sexual desire. She fell deeply in love with her best friend at the time and became afraid of losing him as they were going to different countries for university.<\/p>\n

\u201cI remember telling him that I liked him, but didn\u2019t want to be his girlfriend,\u201d she says. Addigni\u2019s worries were about being replaced as her best friend was meeting new people. But despite this intense connection, there was no longing for her to engage in physical intimacy with him. Sadly, the two ended up drifting apart as her best friend became more preoccupied with finding a romantic partner \u2013 a role that Addigni couldn\u2019t fulfil.<\/p>\n

Navigating the asexual maze<\/h3>\n
\"asexuality
Top tip: do tons of reading. Photography: Cottonbro Studios via Pexels<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

As complicated as asexuality can be, navigating through it can be straightforward. Like any relationship, communication is key. For an asexual person, Martine recommends expressing expectations regarding intimacy with their partner. \u201cAsexuality varies for everyone. Some might be comfortable with sexual activity for the sake of emotional connection, and others may not want to engage,\u201d she explains. Getting to know each other\u2019s boundaries and desires is a great first step in reaching common ground and understanding.<\/p>\n

Alexandra advises reading up on relationships and working on being in tune with yourself and your partner. Figuring out your needs and your partner\u2019s needs can be liberating and aids in conversations about your relationship. There\u2019s even the option of couples therapy to get professional help. \u201cThink about how your relationship can be enriching, rather than limiting,\u201d she recommends.<\/p>\n

If you\u2019re in the midst of figuring yourself out, it\u2019s okay to take time to sort out your thoughts. Putting labels on yourself can be daunting, but you don\u2019t have to declare an identity immediately (or ever). Remember: it\u2019s all about your comfort. If you aren\u2019t ready to sleep with someone, be clear about that boundary until you feel ready to move on to the next step of a relationship. Most importantly, understand what you want and communicate it with confidence.<\/p>\n

Asexuality exists on a spectrum and there\u2019s no one-size-fits-all approach to it. At the end of the day, you\u2019re the one to decide what asexuality looks like for you and how it fits into your life.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

The new and modern world of dating is a wonderful place. Sure, it might\u2019ve gotten a little complicated with all the new lingo floating around. Like \u201ccobwebbing\u201d, where you metaphorically dust off your list of old matches from your dating apps. Or concepts like \u201csoft launching\u201d, where you post a photo showcasing your new beau […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":107581,"featured_media":276276,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false},"categories":[145407,25084],"tags":[134155],"acf":[],"yoast_head":"\nZero shades of grey: Discovering asexuality's meaning | Honeycombers<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"We take a deep dive into the world of asexuality with Zoey and Addigni who give us an insight into their love and dating lives in Singapore.\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/thehoneycombers.com\/singapore\/asexual-meaning-experiences-singapore\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_GB\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"They put the A in LGBTQIA: The meaning of asexuality and how someone with zero sexual urges navigates their love life\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"The new and modern world of dating is a wonderful place. 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