{"id":276040,"date":"2023-06-14T20:28:35","date_gmt":"2023-06-14T12:28:35","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/thehoneycombers.com\/singapore\/?p=276040"},"modified":"2024-12-11T12:29:17","modified_gmt":"2024-12-11T04:29:17","slug":"daddy-issues-father-son-relationship","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/thehoneycombers.com\/singapore\/daddy-issues-father-son-relationship\/","title":{"rendered":"Daddy issues: What it’s like to not have a healthy relationship with my father"},"content":{"rendered":"

While everyone else is busy getting gifts<\/a> and planning dinners<\/a> for Father\u2019s Day, I\u2019ll be sequestered in my room, pondering about my relationship with my old man. It\u2019s the same every year, though truthfully, I think about this almost every day. You may wonder: how bad is my relationship with my father? Well, it\u2019s not terrible, but it\u2019s not that great either.<\/p>\n

Papa, I know you’re going to be upset\u2026<\/h3>\n
\"Daddy
Photography: Sufyan Saad<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

My father is the typical Asian father: the strong, silent type who rarely shows his emotions and doesn\u2019t say things like \u201cWell done\u201d and \u201cI\u2019m proud of you\u201d. We\u2019ve been orbiting each other for so long, and I only ever see him wear a grumpy expression. How would you feel if you had to face that every day?<\/p>\n

For the longest time, I thought it had something to do with me. Did I do something wrong? Was he unhappy with how I turned out?<\/p>\n

We weren\u2019t always like this. I remember an incident in primary school involving my maternal uncle. He had told me off for spending too much time in the bathroom. I was crying badly. My father rushed down from work, sternly told off my uncle, and took my sister and me away. Even though this occurred many years ago, I still vividly remember it. It felt like my father was on my side.<\/p>\n

However, as the years passed, we drifted apart like two continents. Nothing I did pleased my dad, and I acted out. During secondary school, I dropped out of my co-curricular activity \u2013 he made me join the National Cadet Corps to prepare me for National Service<\/a> \u2013 and chose art as my major. These things may not seem much, but during a tarot reading<\/a> sesh with some colleagues last year, our oracle noted that this was the start of him becoming disappointed with me.<\/p>\n

Daddy, daddy, if you could only see<\/h3>\n
\"Daddy
Photography: Sufyan Saad<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

My resentment towards my father swelled as I grew older. I kind of knew what triggered the displeasure \u2013 I reckon it\u2019s because I didn\u2019t turn out as he expected me to be \u2013 and why I was feeling this way. But only years later did I realise I could be experiencing daddy issues. (Unfortunately, it\u2019s not the \u201csexy kind\u201d.) There\u2019s a misconception that this ailment only affects women, but that can\u2019t be further from the truth.<\/p>\n

According to Jean Chen, director of Relationship Matters<\/a>, this phenomenon applies to men too \u2013 particularly if they have damaged relationships with their caregivers. \u201cSuch dysfunctional relationships may not happen if there is a presence of a secure primary attachment figure in one\u2019s life,\u201d she explains.<\/p>\n

My father takes his role as our family\u2019s breadwinner very seriously. He\u2019s been working for so long that it felt like his supervisor job became his identity, not his parental role. At home, he busies himself with reading the newspaper and watching the television on a loud volume. Because of work and the lack of time to spend together as I aged, he became more distant, contributing to our disconnected relationship. Even though he made time to attend my polytechnic graduation and my National Service passing out parade, I wasn\u2019t appeased. Deep down, I blamed him for not being an active part of my life.<\/p>\n

We\u2019re in an awful mess<\/h3>\n
\"Daddy
Photography: Sufyan Saad<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

The blame and resentment eventually manifested into anger, which I significantly repressed. The only person I can talk to about this is my sister. While she empathises, I\u2019m not sure she fully understands the magnitude. I don\u2019t expect her to, since this is the burden I\u2019ve carried for so long.<\/p>\n

All that repressed anger comes out in expected ways. Whenever my father does anything, I feel annoyed. I furrow my eyebrows and glare like Prue Halliwell in Charmed when she telekinetically moves things across the room. My jaw is clenched, and I constantly have to stop digging my fingers into my palms.<\/p>\n

My rage comes out in unexpected ways too. When something doesn\u2019t go my way and it gets to me, I implode like a volcano and lash out. When I get called out for it, I immediately think of my father. I equate my behaviour to how he\u2019s always been, especially towards me, and I tell myself I refuse to be like him.<\/p>\n

The reason why I remain angry is because there isn\u2019t any positive change in my interaction pattern with my father, Jean tells me. \u201cWe continually become frustrated with our father\u2019s consistent negative behaviour and attitude, and we continue to respond negatively, placing this relationship in a negative deadlock pattern.\u201d<\/p>\n

Papa don’t preach<\/h3>\n
\"Daddy
Photography: Ethan Hu via Unsplash<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

Besides anger and resentment, my daddy issues rear their ugly head in other aspects of my life. Due to a lack of a father figure, I find it hard to connect and get close to other men. It takes a lot for me to let my walls down and be comfortable with them. I also struggle with being vulnerable, get scared when partners show affection<\/a> and, as much as I hate to admit this, I\u2019m a people-pleaser.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s not all doom and gloom, though. Through observing my dad, I\u2019ve learnt how to be thrifty<\/a>. Oddly enough, the silver lining to his avoidant attachment is that I can be independent and responsible. I choose what I want for myself, which empowers me. These are the same qualities my dad embodies as well.<\/p>\n

They say the more you deny comparisons with your father, the more you become like him. However, you can work on your issues if you accept them graciously. That\u2019s a bitter pill to swallow for me, being the stubborn person I am. But I know I need to hear it.<\/p>\n

Don\u2019t stop loving me, daddy<\/h3>\n
\"Daddy
Photography: From Kampung via Flickr<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

I\u2019ve been trying to figure out why my father is the way he is, and I\u2019ve concluded that he\u2019s a product of his time. He lost his father (my grandfather) early on, and because of that, he didn\u2019t have a paternal figure in his life. Since then, I assumed he learnt how to be a dad through what little he knew and the expectations of being one back then. That doesn\u2019t make him a bad dad, though I wish for him to be more than what he is. I still do.<\/p>\n

While the simplest solution is for my father and I to live our lives the way they\u2019ve always been, this won\u2019t change or help us in the long run. He\u2019ll remain the way he is, and I\u2019ll continue harbouring negative feelings towards him. Alsen Chanamuto, schools engagement manager of Dads for Life and Centre for Fathering<\/a>, advises not to blame everything on the past.<\/p>\n

I ask Jean what I should do, and she suggests speaking to a professional<\/a> with my dad. That\u2019ll never happen, so she says I can go by myself, as \u201ctherapy can help with emotional closure.\u201d I\u2019ve wanted therapy<\/a> to work through my issues for so long; perhaps this is the sign that I must do it. Maybe eventually, I\u2019ll learn to let go and forgive my father. And through that process, I\u2019ll learn to forgive myself too.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

While everyone else is busy getting gifts and planning dinners for Father\u2019s Day, I\u2019ll be sequestered in my room, pondering about my relationship with my old man. It\u2019s the same every year, though truthfully, I think about this almost every day. You may wonder: how bad is my relationship with my father? Well, it\u2019s not […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":107587,"featured_media":276046,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false},"categories":[1],"tags":[1993,2051],"acf":[],"yoast_head":"\nWhat it's like not to have a relationship with my dad | Honeycombers<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"What\u2019s my relationship with my father like? It\u2019s not terrible, but it\u2019s not that great either. 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