{"id":265421,"date":"2022-12-16T15:34:37","date_gmt":"2022-12-16T07:34:37","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/thehoneycombers.com\/singapore\/?p=265421"},"modified":"2024-06-14T13:40:11","modified_gmt":"2024-06-14T05:40:11","slug":"ghosting-meaning-why-do-people-ghost","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/thehoneycombers.com\/singapore\/ghosting-meaning-why-do-people-ghost\/","title":{"rendered":"Oh no, they didn\u2019t! Serial ghosters come clean and answer an age-old dating question: Why pull a disappearing act?"},"content":{"rendered":"

You\u2019ve probably been there before. You\u2019re feeling lonely<\/a> so you (re)download a dating app<\/a> to find someone to fill the quiet evenings. You enter a week-long talking stage, discussing star signs, interests, and work. The conversation\u2019s flowing and everything seems to be moving in the right direction. You might\u2019ve even met for a first date at a fancy restaurant<\/a> or bar<\/a>.<\/p>\n

Then, the unthinkable happens. After sending the usual morning greetings, you check your phone, only to realise there are no new messages (or worse, an empty Telegram chat). Soon, those hours turn into days. By the time a week or even a month goes by, you\u2019ve gotten the hint. And you\u2019re left wondering, \u201cwhy did they ghost me?\u201d.<\/p>\n

Let’s talk about ghosting, baby<\/h3>\n
\"ghosting-meaning-why-do-people-ghost
Let the waiting game begin. Photography: Robert Bye via Pexels<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

To put it simply, ghosting is the act of cutting all communication without explanation. There are many reasons why someone does this: let\u2019s look at the numbers. A recent survey by Bumble shows that 56% of Singaporeans ghost someone because they don’t feel a connection. Other reasons include busyness, leaving too much time between replies, and simply wanting to avoid an awkward conversation.<\/p>\n

According to the results, 73% of responders were ghosted after a few text messages. But only 65% of them expressed that it\u2019s an inappropriate way to end a relationship. And while it stands as the majority, it\u2019s not overwhelming. Despite being ghosted, some people clearly find it a legitimate method to cut contact.<\/p>\n

It stings either way, I get it. As someone who\u2019s been in my fair share of situationships, one of the least enjoyable parts of the process is being ghosted. I\u2019ve been disappointed quite a few times after a new special someone disappears from my life. But like many people, I\u2019ve also done my fair share of ghosting (to all the boys I\u2019ve texted before, I\u2019m sorry). So, do I hate it? I\u2019d say I\u2019m very much on the fence.<\/p>\n

Before you cancel me, hear me out. I\u2019m definitely not pro-ghosting. But there are reasons why people lean towards this option. And we\u2019re here to talk about them.<\/p>\n

The modus operandi of serial ghosters<\/h3>\n
\"ghosting-meaning-why-do-people-ghost
Confused? So are we. Photographer: Monstera via Pexels<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

After speaking with serial ghosters, I realise that while the act of ghosting is straightforward \u2013 vanishing, never to be heard from again \u2013 the motives behind it vary dramatically.<\/p>\n

Most of the time, it\u2019s because of bad conversation. Firdaus Nazim, 24, tells me that if the banter is bland, he\u2019s more likely to stop talking to someone. \u201cConversations should be a ping pong game, not a Vogue question-and-answer session,\u201d he explains.<\/p>\n

Esme Sedket, 21, agrees. She ghosts if the chat gets boring. \u201cI\u2019m not going to waste my time racking my brain for questions if they\u2019re not going to put in the same effort. There\u2019s only so much you can do to salvage a dying conversation,\u201d she says.<\/p>\n

There can also be a mismatch in expectations or an inability to gel with someone. Bella (not her real name), 24, says that she ghosts if they\u2019re disrespectful in any way. \u201cSometimes they’re just plain uncultured,\u201d she sighs.<\/p>\n

In more extreme cases, it\u2019s a matter of safety. Sara (not her real name), 24, tells me about the last time she tried to offer someone closure. \u201cAfter I realised he was only looking to hook up, I decided to end things. We hadn\u2019t been talking for long, so I thought it\u2019d be easy to go our separate ways,\u201d she explains. Turns out, this person didn\u2019t take the news well and almost assaulted Sara. Yikes. “Now, I ghost because I’m scared of that happening again,” she admits.<\/p>\n

Harper (not their real name), 27, says that looking closely at someone\u2019s profile can help to decide if you\u2019ll hit it off or not. But even then, conversations online aren\u2019t always the same in person. If your communication styles don\u2019t match, there\u2019s no saving a bad vibe check.<\/p>\n

So do we hate the player or hate the game?<\/h3>\n
\"ghosting-meaning-why-do-people-ghost
Swipe, swipe, swipe away. Photography: Cottonbro Studio via Pexels<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

It\u2019s easy to pin the blame on the person who ghosts you. After all, ghosting can be seen as an inherently selfish act. Nixalina Watson, the brains behind the podcast Sex & Singapore City<\/a>, shares that it\u2019s rooted in cowardice, and is the easiest way out for ghosters. \u201cWould you rather have a difficult conversation or simply disappear? A swift block and they swerve that entire situation,\u201d she says.<\/p>\n

But again, not everything is that simple.<\/p>\n

Jean Chen, director at Relationship Matters<\/a>, says everyone reacts differently to ghosting. \u201cSome people feel better after hurting someone back, and that\u2019s why they ghost. This behaviour doesn\u2019t come from nowhere,\u201d she explains. It serves as an act of revenge that they never got to pursue. After dating for a while, ghosting starts to hold less weight. That\u2019s when people become indifferent and continue to ghost others.<\/p>\n

I can\u2019t deny that it\u2019s self-serving in nature. But I think a better way to describe this phenomenon is an act of self-preservation. After going through the same motions in dating, it\u2019s no surprise that people start becoming jaded. Sara is just one of them. The dating rat race can be a brutal one and I find it hard to blame her for ghosting people.<\/p>\n

\u201cEven if my conversation with someone flows, we\u2019re still strangers,\u201d she says. \u201cIt\u2019d be entitled of me to think they owe me their emotional capacity. And it goes both ways,\u201d she explains. This is something Sara learned the hard way after reaching countless dead ends in the dating scene. \u201cI\u2019m apathetic now. Ghosting and being ghosted isn\u2019t such a big deal after you go through it so many times.\u201d<\/p>\n

So, we (kinda) agree: Ghosting sucks<\/h3>\n
\"ghosting-meaning-why-do-people-ghost
It can be a lonely world out there. Photography: Kinga Cichewicz via Unsplash<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

There\u2019s a tendency for us to label things as a priori good and bad. But is ghosting really as black and white as we want it to be?<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s definitely not a positive thing,\u201d Harper tells me. While it\u2019s not ideal to leave someone on \u2018read\u2019, it\u2019s not the end of the world. Firdaus echoes this sentiment. They believe the ghosting experience exists on a sliding scale.<\/p>\n

“If I\u2019m ghosted, I only feel horrible if it’s someone I’ve been casually dating. But that rarely happens. If they disappear after we\u2019ve only been talking for a month or two, there are no hard feelings,” Firdaus concludes.<\/p>\n

Esme says she used to be disappointed. But recently, she\u2019s become indifferent about it. \u201cIf there\u2019s nothing to keep them from interacting with me, it probably wouldn\u2019t have worked out anyway,\u201d she shrugs, chalking it up to a mismatch in vibes.<\/p>\n

The cleanse after the haunting<\/h3>\n
\"ghosting-meaning-why-do-people-ghost
Self care is the best answer. Photography: Ivan Samkov via Pexels<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

While we frown on the act, serial ghosters will always be around. It\u2019s something we might never phase out of the dating scene. But the road to recovery isn’t complicated.<\/p>\n

Lucille McCart, APAC Communications Director of Bumble<\/a>, says we can\u2019t control other people’s actions. \u201cIf being ghosted makes you feel alone, open up to your friends about this. It\u2019s a very common experience of dating,\u201d she says. \u201cFocus your time and energy on people who are reciprocal, and leave old connections in the past.\u201d<\/p>\n

Remember that being ghosted isn\u2019t always a reflection of you. While it hurts for a myriad of reasons, don\u2019t question your self-worth. \u201cBe comfortable exploring what happened in the relationship. Take time to understand yourself and why you\u2019re feeling hurt,\u201d Jean advises.<\/p>\n

For recovering ghosters, Lucille says to lead with kindness. Explain your feelings and give the other person agency to decide how they want to continue the relationship. \u201cDate with honesty, respect, and integrity,\u201d Nixalina encourages. \u201cThink about how someone else feels, and act accordingly to that.\u201d<\/p>\n

To me, ghosting isn’t inherently good or bad, but it definitely runs deep within our dating scene. Feeling disappointed (or even angry) after being ghosted is a completely legitimate response. But we\u2019ll never truly know the reasons behind someone’s actions. Extend an olive branch both ways \u2018cos a little empathy goes a long way.<\/p>\n

While my ghosting days are behind me, I don’t oppose it. In some ways, it’s an act of self-love. If someone starts showing red flags, it’s probably easier (and safer) to pull the plug. And if you’re ghosted? Feel your feelings. Then pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and look forward. You’ll have to kiss a few frogs, but eventually, you’ll find your person.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

You\u2019ve probably been there before. You\u2019re feeling lonely so you (re)download a dating app to find someone to fill the quiet evenings. You enter a week-long talking stage, discussing star signs, interests, and work. The conversation\u2019s flowing and everything seems to be moving in the right direction. You might\u2019ve even met for a first date […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":107581,"featured_media":265428,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false},"categories":[25084],"tags":[64650,145392],"acf":[],"yoast_head":"\nThe ghosting game: Why people ghost during dating | Honeycombers<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"\u201cOMG, they're ghosting me!\u201d Experienced this before? 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