{"id":253774,"date":"2022-05-23T17:54:46","date_gmt":"2022-05-23T09:54:46","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/thehoneycombers.com\/singapore\/?p=253774"},"modified":"2022-05-23T17:54:46","modified_gmt":"2022-05-23T09:54:46","slug":"male-domestic-abuse-experience-singapore","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/thehoneycombers.com\/singapore\/male-domestic-abuse-experience-singapore\/","title":{"rendered":"Abuse knows no gender: Shining a light on domestic abuse against men in Singapore"},"content":{"rendered":"

The internet is aflame with videos, articles and memes of the recent defamation trial between Hollywood stars Johnny Depp and Amber Heard. It\u2019s all over social media<\/a>, so you\u2019re probably caught up on it. But if not, here\u2019s the TL;DR: Depp is suing Heard for an opinion piece she wrote for The Washington Post in 2018, implying Depp abused her in their short-lived marriage. Depp, however, claims Heard to be the abuser instead. And while the trial is ongoing and a final verdict awaits, public opinion favours Depp\u2019s account. This is happening in the US, but it\u2019s brought attention to a topic we rarely speak of here: domestic abuse in Singapore \u2013 specifically, cases in which men are the survivors.<\/p>\n

The dilemma of a male domestic abuse survivor<\/h3>\n
\"domestic
Photography: Alex Green via Pexels<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

Where violence or abuse is involved in relationships, society immediately tends to associate men as the perpetrators. This can be for a variety of reasons, including disbelief that a man can allow himself to be abused by a woman. Especially if he is the bigger or physically stronger individual. Heard herself was recorded mockingly saying, \u201cTell them I, Johnny Depp, a man, am a victim of domestic violence. And see how many people believe or side with you.\u201d<\/p>\n

This harmful stereotyping is what Dillon (not his real name), a Singaporean man in his forties, experienced when he contacted a welfare group for help with domestic abuse. \u201cI sent them an email, and the response I got said, ‘Thank you for your enquiry on receiving support for being in an abusive relationship with a man’,\u201d he says, adding that he reached out to the group afterwards to correct them on the situation. \u201cI believe this shows a severe lack of awareness and empathy towards men who are suffering and trying to seek support.\u201d<\/p>\n

Benny Bong, president of the Society Against Family Violence<\/a> (SAFV), shares how apathy from bystanders can hold back survivors from reaching out. \u201cThere was a survey done in 2019 that found three in 10 Singaporeans knew someone in an abusive relationship,\u201d he says. \u201cHowever, that same survey found that 40% of respondents were apathetic towards it, whether the victim is a man or a woman. I can only conclude from conversations with male victims that apathy is what they experience.\u201d<\/p>\n

Living with domestic abuse<\/h3>\n
\"domestic
Photography: Blake Cheek via Pexels<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

I was connected with Dillon by the teams at SAFV and Lutheran Community Care Services<\/a> (LCCS). He\u2019s a jolly man with a friendly demeanour and a bucket-load of jokes to boot. You can\u2019t tell he\u2019s a survivor of domestic abuse. In fact, Dillon\u2019s case is somewhat unique, as he’s still in an abusive relationship.<\/p>\n

Having been married to his wife for more than a decade, he shares the abuse began about three years into his marriage. \u201cIt started with blackmail. I would be threatened that if I did anything she didn\u2019t like, I would incur her wrath,\u201d he says. \u201cThroughout the years, I learnt she has the power to take away the things I truly love. Even now, I\u2019m not sure if perhaps she\u2019s packing up to leave with my kids.\u201d<\/p>\n

He also shares that his wife kept him away from friends and family. \u201cI couldn\u2019t hang out with my friends, even if it was just to meet them once a month. And she restricted me and my children from visiting my parents. It was so hard on me emotionally,\u201d he says.<\/p>\n

Maria Micha, \u200b\u200bpsychotherapist at Maria Micha Counselling Centre<\/a>, shares that isolation is a common tactic used by abusers to alienate victims from family members and friends. They\u2019ll have their victims believe they\u2019re incapable and no one loves them. \u201cYou\u2019ll notice that victims of abuse lose their light. Some of them become claustrophobic and socially secluded.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAt my lowest point, I felt extreme grief. As though I was in a village and a flood had taken away my whole family, leaving me as the lone survivor,\u201d Dillon says.<\/p>\n

The real impact of abuse<\/h3>\n
\"domestic
Photography: Nothing Ahead via Pexels<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

Though Dillon faced more emotional than physical abuse from his wife, the impact it had was incredibly real to him despite not having wounds to show for it.<\/p>\n

\u201cTo be abused in your own home is one of the worst forms of abuse because there\u2019s no way you can protect yourself. Home is supposed to be a safe haven. For victims of domestic abuse, it\u2019s very challenging not to have a safe place anywhere,\u201d Maria says.<\/p>\n

Monica Fernando, family and couples therapist at Promises Healthcare<\/a>, adds that any type of abuse (whether physical or emotional) registers as trauma within human beings. \u201cTrauma negatively impacts the body and the brain. And when it becomes stuck in the body, the biological response gets repeated over and over again. This causes individuals to stay in a state of heightened reactivity, long after the event has passed.\u201d She mentions that victims who suffered emotional or physical abuse as children experience a higher risk of heart disease, cancer, and reduced life expectancy.<\/p>\n

While it’s been a difficult journey for him, Dillon has chosen to stay in the relationship. Some might criticise his decision, but he feels it\u2019s the right course of action for the benefit of his children.<\/p>\n

\u201cHerein lies another difference between male and female victims who choose to stay in an abusive relationship,\u201d Benny shares. \u201cA big concern is the safety and wellbeing of the children should the male party leave the marriage. As custody of the children often goes to the mother, male victims fear that with a divorce they will lose contact with their children.\u201d<\/p>\n

Dillon has since received help for mental distress, anxiety and depression. He’s also sought out peer support and is focusing on improving his mental resilience. He now spends his time advocating for mental wellness, and shares that he hopes for himself (and those like him) to choose to get better instead of bitter.<\/p>\n

The journey forward<\/h3>\n
\"domestic
Photography: Priscilla Du Preez via Unsplash<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

There\u2019s still much to tackle in terms of awareness, especially in domestic abuse situations with male survivors. But welfare organisations in Singapore say they\u2019ve noticed a rise in the number of men coming forward for help.<\/p>\n

\u201cMen are usually embarrassed to share that they\u2019re being abused by a woman. But the presence of toxic masculinity is decreasing around the world. And with more focus on mental health during Covid-19, they\u2019re hesitating less about coming forward,\u201d Maria says.<\/p>\n

\u201cThere have been more targeted public education efforts to reach out to them. And organisations like us are also trying to open up channels for them to come forward,\u201d Benny says. \u201cAt SAFV, we offer the same advice to both male and female victims: get help as soon as possible. The natural path of an abusive relationship is for it to get worse.\u201d<\/p>\n

Addressing the problem early reduces the risk of it escalating into something worse. If you\u2019re stuck in an abusive relationship, talk to trained counsellors, social workers and psychologists who can assess and advise you on how to move forward.<\/p>\n

\u201cDespite the wide-ranging impact of trauma on the body, it’s possible to heal from it,\u201d Monica says. Receiving the support you need \u2013 whether it’s counselling, psychotherapy or medication \u2013 can help you process your experiences and better your overall mental health.<\/p>\n

How to give or receive help<\/h3>\n
\"domestic
Photography: Michael Burrows via Pexels<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

If you\u2019d like to seek help for domestic abuse in Singapore, or are keen to contribute donations, you can reach out to these organisations.<\/p>\n

1. Society Against Family Violence (SAFV)<\/h4>\n

SAFV<\/a> was established to prevent and reduce incidents of family violence. The team works to provide support and therapeutic services for the victims. They also encourage and provide rehabilitative services for perpetrators of family violence. Connect with them<\/a> or use their men\u2019s helplink<\/a> for assistance.<\/p>\n

2. Lutheran Community Care Services (LCCS)<\/h4>\n

LCCS<\/a> actively engages and empowers individuals and families to build and sustain relationships. They use restorative practices to help relationships that have been harmed. Reach out to them through their website or at 6441 3906 to break the cycle of abuse<\/a>. Or, support them through volunteering or donations<\/a>.<\/p>\n

3. National Anti-Violence and Sexual Harassment Helpline<\/h4>\n

The Ministry of Social and Family Development has a 24-hour hotline for victims of domestic abuse or family violence-related matters. If you or someone you know is encountering abuse, call the National Anti-Violence and Sexual Harassment Helpline<\/a> at 1800-777-0000.<\/p>\n

4. Aware<\/h4>\n

The folks at Aware<\/a> believe everyone deserves a home that\u2019s safe and free from violence. They conduct research and advocacy, education and training, and support services with the aim to remove gender-based barriers in Singapore. To receive help for domestic abuse, contact Aware representatives on the hotline at 1800-777-5555.<\/p>\n

No matter your gender or situation, we stand with survivors of domestic abuse in Singapore.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

The internet is aflame with videos, articles and memes of the recent defamation trial between Hollywood stars Johnny Depp and Amber Heard. It\u2019s all over social media, so you\u2019re probably caught up on it. But if not, here\u2019s the TL;DR: Depp is suing Heard for an opinion piece she wrote for The Washington Post in […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":107571,"featured_media":253775,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false},"categories":[25084],"tags":[145541,145507],"acf":[],"yoast_head":"\nDomestic abuse through the lens of a male survivor | Honeycombers<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"The ongoing Johnny Depp-Amber Heard trial shines a spotlight on domestic abuse against men. 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