{"id":189183,"date":"2022-03-23T08:00:48","date_gmt":"2022-03-23T00:00:48","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/thehoneycombers.com\/hong-kong\/?p=189183"},"modified":"2022-03-23T08:42:04","modified_gmt":"2022-03-23T00:42:04","slug":"pillowtalk-asking-giving-consent","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/thehoneycombers.com\/hong-kong\/pillowtalk-asking-giving-consent\/","title":{"rendered":"How do I ask for and give sexual consent without ruining the mood?"},"content":{"rendered":"

So you’re finally meeting your date after swiping away dozens on dating apps<\/a>. The evening is going smoothly, and romance<\/a>\u00a0is in the air when you start cuddling on the sofa and putting on some Netflix<\/a>. But, wait \u2013 what’s next? Most importantly, are you ready for whatever’s coming next? As awkward and counterintuitive as it may feel, saying yes or no is crucial \u2013 if not the first and foremost thing to do so \u2013 in the bedroom. If you’re wondering about how to ask for and give sexual consent without ruining the moment, read on for expert advice from sex coach Sara Tang and relationship coach Valentina Tudose as part of our Pillowtalk sex advice column.<\/p>\n

What is \u2018consent\u2019?<\/h3>\n

\"pillowtalk<\/p>\n

Sara:<\/strong> Consent is one of the fundamental parts of intimate relationships, yet it\u2019s also something that\u2019s frequently left out of our sex education.<\/p>\n

Valentina:<\/strong> Yes, and to think that consent is actually the most natural thing in the world, too! If we look into the origins of the word, \u2018consent\u2019 is derived from two Latin words: con<\/em>, meaning \u2018together\u2019; and sentire<\/em>, meaning \u2018feel\u2019.<\/p>\n

Moreover, modern neuroscience has proven that our emotional state is reflected naturally in another person\u2019s emotional state. In other words, it\u2019s natural for us to feel what another person is feeling. The issue is whether we\u2019re paying attention, and whether we\u2019re willing to match it or react to it with a suitable emotional response. It also depends on how we interpret the signals we\u2019re getting.<\/p>\n

Sara:<\/strong> While consent is \u2013 to be put in simple terms \u2013 an agreement to participate in any kind of sexual activity, there are many nuances to the concept of consent.<\/p>\n

Genuine consent can only be given without pressure or manipulation, and when someone isn\u2019t incapacitated. Consent can also be withdrawn at any time \u2013 that means even if you\u2019re naked, even if you\u2019re in the middle of sex, and even if you\u2019re doing something that you may have consented to previous encounters. This makes consent an active and ongoing dialogue, as opposed to a one-off permission slip, regardless of whether you\u2019re with a new or a long-term partner.<\/p>\n

Valentina: <\/strong>Yes, and this dialogue can make consent seem like a big challenge that gets in the way of sexual connection. How much do we actually allow ourselves to truly be in the moment and respond to the energy we receive from our partner, rather than being in our own head? How explicit is explicit, and at what point is it okay to go with your gut and trust your partner will stop you from doing anything they are not okay with? What about the people who are not comfortable with verbalising their feelings and boundaries in a very clear manner? These are all questions that link sex to a certain level of anxiety<\/a>, although, in fact, they\u2019re all natural reactions to arousal.<\/p>\n

Furthermore, the modern pitfalls of the goal- and performance-oriented mindset, combined with the focus on explicit, informed, and enthusiastic consent promoted by the #MeToo movement, have created even more reasons to be nervous in bed.<\/p>\n

Sara:<\/strong> In addition to being nervous in bed, there are also people who find talking about sex with their partners awkward \u2013 and they also tend to be the ones to think that giving or getting consent is awkward. That is understandable, but I believe that consent can be established in a natural, respectful way that enhances the mood, too, and here\u2019s how.<\/p>\n

How to ask for sexual consent without ruining the moment<\/h3>\n

\"sexual<\/p>\n

Sara:<\/strong> Very few of us enter a sexual encounter with a fully fleshed out list of exactly what we want to do, and are able to ask our partners to agree to it beforehand. So, a much more natural and organic method of establishing consent is to check in regularly as things go.<\/p>\n

Valentina:<\/strong> Simple questions like \u2018what turns you on?\u2019, \u2018do you like it when someone\u2026\u2019, or \u2018what are your no-no\u2019s?\u2019 are specific enough to ensure your partner the opportunity to give explicit consent, clarify the no-go scenarios, and explore each other\u2019s boundaries. During foreplay, you can also ask for consent more directly. Questions such as \u2018do you like this?\u2019, \u2018does this feel good?\u2019, and \u2018should I keep going?\u2019 invite the partner to guide the interaction towards areas that give them pleasure.<\/p>\n

Sara:<\/strong> Other questions to ask a partner for consent include: \u2018Want to try something new with me?\u2019, or \u2018I want to go down on you, would you like that?\u2019 In fact, if you dropped your voice and used a sexy whisper, these questions could easily be incorporated into the foreplay with your partner.<\/p>\n

Valentina:<\/strong> Absolutely. In new relationships or casual sex encounters, discussing fantasies, desires, and each other\u2019s likes and dislikes \u2013 even before getting to the \u2018making out\u2019 part \u2013 are great ways to build anticipation, too.<\/p>\n

Moreover, giving the other person reassurance that they can always withdraw consent is the best way to create and maintain the safe space necessary for a successful and pleasurable sexual encounter. A simple \u2018we can stop anytime if you don\u2019t feel comfortable\u2019 is all it takes.<\/p>\n

Sara:<\/strong> And although it may be difficult to hear a partner say \u2018no\u2019 or \u2018I\u2019m not in the mood for that\u2019 when you\u2019re in a state of arousal, it\u2019s important not to take the rejection personally and to respect your partner\u2019s wishes. Avoid rolling your eyes, getting annoyed, or repeatedly asking them whether they\u2019ll change their mind. If your partner is willing to stay intimate and connected, try asking them if there is another activity they would be comfortable doing instead. Because even if the encounter turns into naked cuddling or a steamy make-out session, it can still be highly satisfying for both of you!<\/p>\n