{"id":186726,"date":"2021-12-15T11:00:46","date_gmt":"2021-12-15T03:00:46","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/thehoneycombers.com\/hong-kong\/?p=186726"},"modified":"2021-12-13T10:50:59","modified_gmt":"2021-12-13T02:50:59","slug":"pillowtalk-mismatched-libidos","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/thehoneycombers.com\/hong-kong\/pillowtalk-mismatched-libidos\/","title":{"rendered":"I am in a relationship, but my partner’s sex drive is different from mine. What to do about mismatched libidos?"},"content":{"rendered":"

How often do you find yourself saying, “Not tonight, honey. I’ve got a headache.” Or maybe your partner is the one who just isn’t in the mood quite as often you would hope? Sex<\/a> is an important part of romantic<\/a> relationships. But how much is enough? And how do you ask for more? Or ask for less? The problem of mismatched libidos happens to couples more often that you would think. For help, check out the expert advice from sex coach Sara Tang and relationship coach Valentina Tudose in our new Honeycombers sex advice series: Pillowtalk.<\/p>\n

Mismatched libidos: My partner’s sex drive isn’t as high as mine<\/h2>\n

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\"pillowtalk<\/p>\n

Sara Tang:<\/strong> Mismatched libidos is one of the most common issues that I work on with couples, so as a starting point, I want to normalise this situation that you\u2019re experiencing.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s totally normal for our sex drives to constantly fluctuate over the course of our lives, and naturally there will be times we will not be in sync with our partner. This doesn\u2019t mean that something is fundamentally wrong with the relationship.<\/p>\n

However, it can be a frustrating situation and it\u2019s easy to feel like the relationship has lost its spark. Typically, the higher libido partner feels rejected and undesired, and the lower libido partner feels pressured and guilty.<\/p>\n

Valentina Tudose:<\/strong> Yes, 100%! Sex is a fundamental part of a romantic connection \u2013 I call it the \u2018relationship glue\u2019. In the early days of a relationship (commonly described as the Lust phase), sexual desire is spontaneous and mutual \u2013 pretty much a biological \u2018given\u2019. This creates an illusion of perfect sexual compatibility, which leads to assumptions and expectations later down the line.<\/p>\n

When this levels off to the partners\u2019 \u2018normal\u2019, it\u2019s sometimes interpreted as \u2018you don\u2019t want me anymore\u2019 and can cause friction and disappointment due to feelings of rejection. Understanding that this is completely natural is the first step.<\/p>\n

ST:<\/strong> I often suggest broadening the definition of sex when I work with couples experiencing mismatched libidos. Sex is a form of connection and intimacy, and a meaningful sexual interaction doesn\u2019t always have to mean full on intercourse.<\/p>\n

Talk to your partner and brainstorm some ideas for shared intimate experiences that could feel pleasurable for the both of you, but aren\u2019t \u201cgoal-oriented\u201d. Some ideas could be watching porn together, giving each other a sensual back rub, using sex toys or even lending some support to the higher libido partner while they self-pleasure.<\/p>\n

VT:<\/strong> Supporting your partner through the ebbs and flows of desire and finding ways to meet each other\u2019s needs in creative ways is one of the most rewarding parts of a relationship. Spend time exploring each other\u2019s sexual landscape \u2013 your turn ons and turn offs, fantasies and fears and what ultimately needs to happen for you to be sexually fulfilled.<\/p>\n